It's been slow going lately. I haven't exactly been ambitious, but still slower than I would expect. On Friday, I hit 236, which brought my weight loss to 40 pounds since January.
When I really stopped and thought about it, I realized that its quite an accomplishment for me - even though its not as much as I had hoped to lose this year. The most weight I've ever lost was 25 pounds, and here I am at 40! I've been so focused on the slow-moving scale, that I had lost sight of the big picture. I still find myself focusing a lot on how much is left. (It's a lot)
I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, which is partly why I haven't been very frequent with my posts. What else is there to say?
I'm a little nervous about winter. I get pretty depressed in the winter, as many people do, and I have a hard time feeling positive about my efforts. I've been looking in the mirror lately, and all I can see anymore is the things that will never look "better". When I lost weight in my early 20's, things "bounced back" so to speak.
Now, I can see the ways 10 years has changed me. I see the battle scars of two babies, and the sagging skin that will inevitably be my permanent reminder of the way I lived in my body for the last 10 years.
I don't think I ever started this journey to look perfect. But I find myself becoming very focused on what will not look ok, even when the weight is gone. That's hard,because its throwing me off my game...I get to a place where I think, "What's the point?"
I know what the point is. It's to be healthy. It's to be there for my kids for many years down the road. It's to be able to run, jump, and be active with them. It's to maybe - one day - run a marathon with my dad, who just ran his first at 57 years old (GO DAD!) Those things will be awesome.
Know what else is awesome? This year, I lost 40 pounds. This year, I changed my future. This year, I was successful! Next year will be even better.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Where I've been...What I've been thinking
Where have I been? On this good old plateau called The Lower 40's. If you've been following me since my first go at this (waaaay back before I got pregnant with my son), you may remember that 240-242 plateau. Well...my body really likes it here, I guess. But today, I saw a number I haven't seen since before I got pregnant with my daughter...a number I haven't seen in over 4 years, maybe even 5 or 6 years.
TWO....
THIRTY (woo!)...
SEVEN!!!!!
Yes, I had that one fantastic day this summer when I hit 239 and some change. But after that I bounced back up to The Lower 40's. 237 feels more concrete, but who knows? I'm excited though, lemme tell ya! I've got a goal set for Christmas time.
215.
(low whistle)
I know. Lofty goal, huh? But really it's like, barely more than 20 pounds in 2 months. Do-able. Hard, but do-able. I can't even remember what it's like to be 215. I'm awfully excited to find out, though. :)
So, beyond this whole breaking-through-the-plateau business, I've been thinking about this whole weight thing. I see and read a lot of articles on weight-acceptance. Mostly it deals with anti-bullying, the way our society views people of size, etc. But in the midst of all of those good reasons and points of view, there is a common thread, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's a lot of talk about not shaming people of size, and that we should be happy, even proud of our weight. And I agree with the first...society shouldn't shame the overweight. We shouldn't all be lumped into one anecdote about why we are overweight, or how we became so. But you know what?
All the talk about being proud of being overweight, and demanding that I think of myself as beautiful and just fine the way I am...makes me feel ashamed for wanting something different. I read those articles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm breaking some unwritten rules. I don't like being overweight. Not because I feel like people have shamed me for being so. Not because I feel like I'm being judged everywhere I go. Not because I was bullied as a kid (I wasn't), or because I want to be like everyone else. I just don't like it. I don't like being tired all the time, I don't like not being able to show my children how to jump or run or climb a tree. I don't like crying in a dressing room because nothing feels good or looks right. I don't like still looking pregnant over a year after my son was born. I just don't like it. I don't want this life.
Why does that feel wrong? I don't think that's any better than what people are arguing against. Making overweight people feel like they have to stay that way in defiance of society or whatever else isn't any different. It's shaming in a new and different way, and in another sphere, it's also bullying. I never felt bullied for being "chubby" as a kid or as a teenager. But I will say I feel bullied now. I feel like I'm being bullied into staying overweight. How is that progress? How is that acceptance?
Just my thoughts these past weeks. I know this might upset some friends, and please know I'm not passing judgement on you personally. I just don't feel ok with it. It's me, and no one else.
TWO....
THIRTY (woo!)...
SEVEN!!!!!
Yes, I had that one fantastic day this summer when I hit 239 and some change. But after that I bounced back up to The Lower 40's. 237 feels more concrete, but who knows? I'm excited though, lemme tell ya! I've got a goal set for Christmas time.
215.
(low whistle)
I know. Lofty goal, huh? But really it's like, barely more than 20 pounds in 2 months. Do-able. Hard, but do-able. I can't even remember what it's like to be 215. I'm awfully excited to find out, though. :)
So, beyond this whole breaking-through-the-plateau business, I've been thinking about this whole weight thing. I see and read a lot of articles on weight-acceptance. Mostly it deals with anti-bullying, the way our society views people of size, etc. But in the midst of all of those good reasons and points of view, there is a common thread, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's a lot of talk about not shaming people of size, and that we should be happy, even proud of our weight. And I agree with the first...society shouldn't shame the overweight. We shouldn't all be lumped into one anecdote about why we are overweight, or how we became so. But you know what?
All the talk about being proud of being overweight, and demanding that I think of myself as beautiful and just fine the way I am...makes me feel ashamed for wanting something different. I read those articles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm breaking some unwritten rules. I don't like being overweight. Not because I feel like people have shamed me for being so. Not because I feel like I'm being judged everywhere I go. Not because I was bullied as a kid (I wasn't), or because I want to be like everyone else. I just don't like it. I don't like being tired all the time, I don't like not being able to show my children how to jump or run or climb a tree. I don't like crying in a dressing room because nothing feels good or looks right. I don't like still looking pregnant over a year after my son was born. I just don't like it. I don't want this life.
Why does that feel wrong? I don't think that's any better than what people are arguing against. Making overweight people feel like they have to stay that way in defiance of society or whatever else isn't any different. It's shaming in a new and different way, and in another sphere, it's also bullying. I never felt bullied for being "chubby" as a kid or as a teenager. But I will say I feel bullied now. I feel like I'm being bullied into staying overweight. How is that progress? How is that acceptance?
Just my thoughts these past weeks. I know this might upset some friends, and please know I'm not passing judgement on you personally. I just don't feel ok with it. It's me, and no one else.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I've been thinking about this entry for some time now. Well, thinking is probably the wrong word. Procrastinating is more accurate.
I want to start by thanking those who asked me where I was, whether I was still on track. I know I didn't respond to you, but I want you to know now it wasn't out of ingratitude, but shame. But I want to thank you now, because your words continued to swirl around in my mind long after I read them. They've kept me in a place where I can't forget, I can't push this aside. And you'll never know how much you kept me on track, even when I was off of it.
So, same old, same old. Small victory, jumping off the wagon to go look for some food, and hiding from it when it's time to get back on. There is some good news. 241.2. When I got on the scale this morning (I've been avoiding that too), I was fully expecting the 250's to be staring back at me. I weighed myself several times, just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. 241.2. Not too terrible. Much better than I'd anticipated. But my birthday has come and gone, and the 220's are still far, far away.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This is much more a mental game than a physical one. I've been here for a long time, and as much as I want to be in a different place, there's a comfort to this place that's hard to leave behind. You'd think it'd be the opposite, right? The high of success, the energy of healthy eating, the euphoria of pounds and inches melting away...how could I possibly want to stay here? Unless you've done this, its impossible to understand. I know some of you have, and I wouldn't be surprised if you totally get what I'm saying here.
Habits have been a struggle for me my whole life. My habits (thumb-sucking, nail biting, eating, etc) have all been soothing mechanisms, or a way to release tension and stress. No, I don't suck my thumb now, but I did for many years beyond when it would be appropriate or expected. I still bite my nails when I'm nervous, and I still eat when I'm emotional. Trying not to do those things makes me think about it constantly.
I still feel like I can't adequately put words to the mental struggle. It's a constant state of awareness, every moment, every pang of hunger a choice. And when you make the wrong choice, the self-berating disappointment.
Yeesh, this is so depressing. I'm not really feeling depressed, just frustrated at my lack of willpower. Tired of settling for "good enough". I have 80 more pounds to lose. A staggering number. And even though I'm not, I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I want to start by thanking those who asked me where I was, whether I was still on track. I know I didn't respond to you, but I want you to know now it wasn't out of ingratitude, but shame. But I want to thank you now, because your words continued to swirl around in my mind long after I read them. They've kept me in a place where I can't forget, I can't push this aside. And you'll never know how much you kept me on track, even when I was off of it.
So, same old, same old. Small victory, jumping off the wagon to go look for some food, and hiding from it when it's time to get back on. There is some good news. 241.2. When I got on the scale this morning (I've been avoiding that too), I was fully expecting the 250's to be staring back at me. I weighed myself several times, just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. 241.2. Not too terrible. Much better than I'd anticipated. But my birthday has come and gone, and the 220's are still far, far away.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This is much more a mental game than a physical one. I've been here for a long time, and as much as I want to be in a different place, there's a comfort to this place that's hard to leave behind. You'd think it'd be the opposite, right? The high of success, the energy of healthy eating, the euphoria of pounds and inches melting away...how could I possibly want to stay here? Unless you've done this, its impossible to understand. I know some of you have, and I wouldn't be surprised if you totally get what I'm saying here.
Habits have been a struggle for me my whole life. My habits (thumb-sucking, nail biting, eating, etc) have all been soothing mechanisms, or a way to release tension and stress. No, I don't suck my thumb now, but I did for many years beyond when it would be appropriate or expected. I still bite my nails when I'm nervous, and I still eat when I'm emotional. Trying not to do those things makes me think about it constantly.
I still feel like I can't adequately put words to the mental struggle. It's a constant state of awareness, every moment, every pang of hunger a choice. And when you make the wrong choice, the self-berating disappointment.
Yeesh, this is so depressing. I'm not really feeling depressed, just frustrated at my lack of willpower. Tired of settling for "good enough". I have 80 more pounds to lose. A staggering number. And even though I'm not, I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
AWOL
The thing about patterns is that they tend to repeat. Repeatedly.
I fell into an old pattern after the victory of last week's weight milestone. I let go. I stopped being strict. I haven't opened the MyFitnessPal app since last Friday. I ate whatever I wanted. Pizza and s'mores on Saturday, Chinese on Sunday, fast food <headdesk> yesterday. Twice. O. M. G. And those are just the highlights.
This isn't unfamiliar territory. Whenever I start seeing some good progress on the scale, I rejoice and then muck it all up. And at some point during the muck-it-all-up phase (which really should be called the eat-it-all-up phase), I realize I've dug myself into such a deep hole that it's not worth climbing out. And so I choose to stay in the hole, and sometimes even dig it a little deeper, just for good measure. Seriously...I'm not sure how I could even begin to defend such stupidity.
I don't want to stay in the hole this time. I want to climb back out. I don't think I've done any major damage, besides how tired and crappy I feel.
But mentally I'm in a tough place. I've not come back from this before. I'm kicking myself, and all I want to do is eat to feel better. Have any of you been here? Do you have any words of wisdom? I'm really fighting the discouragement today. I didn't want to write this post. I wanted to pretend I didn't have a blog, or anyone to be accountable to.
But I'm here, so that's something...right?
Friday, June 22, 2012
Breaking through
It happened. The number started with a 2 and a 3.
239.6 to be exact.
I wish I could adequately express on this blog what it meant to see that number, what it means to leave the 240's. I've not seen this decade on my scale in 5 years. FIVE. That's a really long time.
Every once in a while, my brain reminds me that I still have a looong way to go. But I force those thoughts away because I'm starting to have hope that I can really do this. I mean, I am doing this, but it still hasn't really sunk in. I think I've come to expect myself to fail - as I have so many, many times - and I can't even really convince myself that I can do this all the way, once and for all.
But that's what I have to do. I have to kick this. I have to get healthy. That's why I have this blog...to stay accountable to myself, and to you.
Now it's time for some kickboxing!!
239.6 to be exact.
I wish I could adequately express on this blog what it meant to see that number, what it means to leave the 240's. I've not seen this decade on my scale in 5 years. FIVE. That's a really long time.
Every once in a while, my brain reminds me that I still have a looong way to go. But I force those thoughts away because I'm starting to have hope that I can really do this. I mean, I am doing this, but it still hasn't really sunk in. I think I've come to expect myself to fail - as I have so many, many times - and I can't even really convince myself that I can do this all the way, once and for all.
But that's what I have to do. I have to kick this. I have to get healthy. That's why I have this blog...to stay accountable to myself, and to you.
Now it's time for some kickboxing!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Summer of 30
It seems this summer's theme is going to revolve around 30. Seriously, it's everywhere! (Disclaimer: I'm not into numerology or anything, no, no no. I just find it a little funny that everything seems to be converging at 30 for the moment!)
To begin with, I'll be turning 30 in August. It will be nice to begin a new decade with a new approach to life! I'm not really dreading this milestone, because with all the progress of this year, it feels like a threshold to something amazing! I hope to make my 30's my healthiest decade yet. :)
Today, my waist measurement dropped into the 30's. Yes, it was in the 40's (shudder), but thanks to Zumba and calorie counting, it's dropped 4 inches in the last 6 weeks. I'm excited to keep seeing those inches dropping off. It's what keeps me going even when the scale stays put for a while. 32 is a number I can't wait to reach. I ended there during my junior year in college (the last time I successfully lost significant weight), and I still remember how good I felt then. Can't wait to see that again.
I'm still not quite in the 230's, but my goal for the next 6 weeks (by the time my daughter turns 3, on July 30th...see what I mean?) is to get to 230 lbs. That's 11 pounds from now, but I think it's do-able.
And finally, my yearly weight loss total stands at 30! Honestly, I never thought I'd get past 10. I feel great, and am ready to keep going!
Here's to 30!
To begin with, I'll be turning 30 in August. It will be nice to begin a new decade with a new approach to life! I'm not really dreading this milestone, because with all the progress of this year, it feels like a threshold to something amazing! I hope to make my 30's my healthiest decade yet. :)
Today, my waist measurement dropped into the 30's. Yes, it was in the 40's (shudder), but thanks to Zumba and calorie counting, it's dropped 4 inches in the last 6 weeks. I'm excited to keep seeing those inches dropping off. It's what keeps me going even when the scale stays put for a while. 32 is a number I can't wait to reach. I ended there during my junior year in college (the last time I successfully lost significant weight), and I still remember how good I felt then. Can't wait to see that again.
I'm still not quite in the 230's, but my goal for the next 6 weeks (by the time my daughter turns 3, on July 30th...see what I mean?) is to get to 230 lbs. That's 11 pounds from now, but I think it's do-able.
And finally, my yearly weight loss total stands at 30! Honestly, I never thought I'd get past 10. I feel great, and am ready to keep going!
Here's to 30!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
This time around...
Sometimes, I'm really surprised at how differently I see things this time. I was dreading counting calories, and here I am two weeks into it, and getting more comfortable with it every day.
This time around, I don't really want a "cheat day". I did it the first weekend after I started the calorie counting (which was actually 2 days after I began), and I felt SO awful. I didn't go that crazy, but it was enough to give me an upset stomach and raging heartburn. Still, the second Saturday, I did it again. Same story. Hard headed, much? This weekend, there won't be any cheat day. It'll just be business as usual. Today was a little lax, because it was my hubby's birthday, and who am I to pass up cake? But I had just the one slice, and adjusted my cals earlier in the day to allow for it.
Who am I? I certainly don't recognize myself. But every day that I stick to that calorie goal, every day I work out, leaves me wanting to keep going. It's a very new reality for me, and not something I expected.
This time around, I find myself making choices instead of depriving myself. I'm okay with it when I pick up a much-loved food and decide the taste of it just won't be worth the calories involved. I'm truly seeing it as a decision, which feels really good.
I'm so close to the 230's I can taste it...and it tastes a lot better than chocolate cake, I can tell you that! I can't actually remember the last time the number on the scale started with a 23-. While it makes me sad that it's still that high, getting down out of the 240's is a mini milestone. I really really want to see 230 by my kids' birthdays at the end of July. I'd love to hit my 30th birthday in the 220's (even if it's just 229!).
After my second week of calorie counting, the weight loss stands at 6 pounds. Inches lost are 3 off my waist, and 2.5 off my hips.
Slow and steady wins the race. And I aim to win it, this time around.
This time around, I don't really want a "cheat day". I did it the first weekend after I started the calorie counting (which was actually 2 days after I began), and I felt SO awful. I didn't go that crazy, but it was enough to give me an upset stomach and raging heartburn. Still, the second Saturday, I did it again. Same story. Hard headed, much? This weekend, there won't be any cheat day. It'll just be business as usual. Today was a little lax, because it was my hubby's birthday, and who am I to pass up cake? But I had just the one slice, and adjusted my cals earlier in the day to allow for it.
Who am I? I certainly don't recognize myself. But every day that I stick to that calorie goal, every day I work out, leaves me wanting to keep going. It's a very new reality for me, and not something I expected.
This time around, I find myself making choices instead of depriving myself. I'm okay with it when I pick up a much-loved food and decide the taste of it just won't be worth the calories involved. I'm truly seeing it as a decision, which feels really good.
I'm so close to the 230's I can taste it...and it tastes a lot better than chocolate cake, I can tell you that! I can't actually remember the last time the number on the scale started with a 23-. While it makes me sad that it's still that high, getting down out of the 240's is a mini milestone. I really really want to see 230 by my kids' birthdays at the end of July. I'd love to hit my 30th birthday in the 220's (even if it's just 229!).
After my second week of calorie counting, the weight loss stands at 6 pounds. Inches lost are 3 off my waist, and 2.5 off my hips.
Slow and steady wins the race. And I aim to win it, this time around.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Stats Update
Waist total: 2.5"
Hips total: 2"
Waist and hips measurments have been taken since I started Zumba, and my weight loss total (since January - minus 2 months of plateau) is 30.6!
I can hardly believe it. I feel a lot like this journey has started with baby steps, which was maybe my problem all the other times I tried. I'd jump in and try to make it stick, without really giving myself any time to adjust.
In some ways it's been frustrating, as progress comes and goes, and when it does happen, it's slow. But I know I'm different. I know I see things differently today than I did 5 months ago, or even 1 month ago. I'm making choices, not "denying" myself. I actually enjoy working out. (Ha! I never even saw that one coming.) I count calories, and it's not driving me crazy. All good, positive changes that will help me keep this up.
And one other fun bonus...I got an early birthday present from my MIL: shoes for Zumba!
I was using my running shoes...just a little too much traction.
So excited!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
2.2
That number? Oh, that's the number of pounds that have dropped off in my first week of calorie counting. Seriously! I finally broke through the 245 plateau. I have to say honestly that I'm still a little skeptical. Stepping on the scale makes me really nervous. I'm afraid the progress I'm seeing will be just a fluke, water weight, etc.
But on the other hand it's been so encouraging to see progress this week! This plateau has lasted almost a couple of months, and was starting to feel as though it would stretch out forever. There have definitely been positives, though. No weight gain, increased energy, improved endurance in my workouts, inches disappearing. And I'm still here. I'm still trying every day, holding myself accountable, exposing my struggles and triumphs.
I'm ready to leave this part of this journey behind. I know there will be another one down the road, maybe several. But for now, 2.2. Hopefully next week will be even better!
But on the other hand it's been so encouraging to see progress this week! This plateau has lasted almost a couple of months, and was starting to feel as though it would stretch out forever. There have definitely been positives, though. No weight gain, increased energy, improved endurance in my workouts, inches disappearing. And I'm still here. I'm still trying every day, holding myself accountable, exposing my struggles and triumphs.
I'm ready to leave this part of this journey behind. I know there will be another one down the road, maybe several. But for now, 2.2. Hopefully next week will be even better!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The New Normal
I've been at the calorie counting for about 5 days. The first day was such a challenge. According to my FitnessPal app, my calorie goal should be 1510 calories per day. It's shocking how fast those numbers add up. I don't beat myself up if it's a little more...but I always try to keep it under 1800. After all, according to the official math equation, I have to consume 2931 calories per day to maintain my weight. So...1800 is really just fine. But I have been learning to eat more calorie-lite veggies when I'm hungry or snacking. It saves me more for mealtime, and I don't end up with 100 calories left for dinner!
And that's all before bringing exercise into the equation. Of course, unless you have a monitor, it's hard to know exactly how many calories you're burning in a workout, but there are some decent calculators out there that will give an estimate. I also tend to downplay the intensity of my workout because I'd rather underestimate what I'm burning than overestimate. Zumbacalories.com gives me 736 burned cals for a 50 minute workout. Not bad.
When I've done this before, it's been so frustrating and tedious. All of it. The working out, the calorie counting. I was miserable, and so it didn't last. In the past, there was only one time I made a change that lasted more than a month. I'm coming up on that month now. And even though it doesn't look exactly like I hoped numbers-wise, there is a change in me. I'm settling in. It's becoming a habit, a new normal. I no longer wonder if I'll have what it takes to stick it out...in fact it's stopped feeling like I'm sticking it out altogether. It just feels right.
I didn't work out for almost a week (last week I had some rescheduled lessons and some extra babysitting, and a jam-packed weekend), and while my muscles hurt last night, today I feel fine. I have some energy, I still want to do this. I didn't quit my calorie counting last week. I had my usual cheat day, but scaled back a little. The mental game is getting less challenging, and that's almost a physical relief. Struggling against yourself day in and day out is completely exhausting!
I'm loving this new feeling. It's so worth it.
And that's all before bringing exercise into the equation. Of course, unless you have a monitor, it's hard to know exactly how many calories you're burning in a workout, but there are some decent calculators out there that will give an estimate. I also tend to downplay the intensity of my workout because I'd rather underestimate what I'm burning than overestimate. Zumbacalories.com gives me 736 burned cals for a 50 minute workout. Not bad.
When I've done this before, it's been so frustrating and tedious. All of it. The working out, the calorie counting. I was miserable, and so it didn't last. In the past, there was only one time I made a change that lasted more than a month. I'm coming up on that month now. And even though it doesn't look exactly like I hoped numbers-wise, there is a change in me. I'm settling in. It's becoming a habit, a new normal. I no longer wonder if I'll have what it takes to stick it out...in fact it's stopped feeling like I'm sticking it out altogether. It just feels right.
I didn't work out for almost a week (last week I had some rescheduled lessons and some extra babysitting, and a jam-packed weekend), and while my muscles hurt last night, today I feel fine. I have some energy, I still want to do this. I didn't quit my calorie counting last week. I had my usual cheat day, but scaled back a little. The mental game is getting less challenging, and that's almost a physical relief. Struggling against yourself day in and day out is completely exhausting!
I'm loving this new feeling. It's so worth it.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Because its not all about me...
I watched a video this morning about the increased risks of being obese and pregnant. It's been a topic of conversation around here lately because we're starting to think about expanding our family. But another aspect I hadn't thought about is the implications that go beyond pregnancy and birth. There is good research to indicate that my children have an increased risk of obesity growing up.
I can't say how very sad that made me. But on the flip side, it also made me that much more determined.
Growing up, fast food was a rarity at our house. My parents stressed the importance of sitting down as a family and I remember my father always wanting to make sure there was a green vegetable on the table. I had every advantage toward creating healthy eating habits. It was in college that I really veered off the course and stayed there after I got married. I'm an emotional eater, and the first couple years of marriage were very tough for us. I gained 50 pounds the first 2 years we were married. Yikes. I dealt with depression a couple years later and that didn't help either. But it's no longer about me. It's about my kids too, and not just me being around for them. I don't want them to be here. Ever. I want to be be able not only to talk to them about a healthy lifestyle, but to show them how hard it is to came back from an unhealthy place...and that it's entirely possible.
It would break my heart to watch my children struggle with the same emotions, challenges, body image and struggles that I have. I don't want my children to desire to be thin to please others or society. I want them to desire to be healthy and strong and for exercise to be a matter of course. I hope to do it without creating negativity about weight or body image for them. It's a tall order and the weight of the responsibility feels that much heavier.
It must be done by example. It must be done, period.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Reset
Alright. I took the day off from Zumba today. I needed a day to kind of reset and get my head around how to proceed from here. Thanks to all of you for your awesome suggestions on the last post! It's clear that calorie counting is what's ahead.
Last night George and I talked about our food choices and my frustration with dinnertime. It has to be fast, but it also needs to be healthy. Thanks to veggies that come in that steam pouch, I usually always manage to get a solid vegetable on the table (and no, never the ones with sauce or anything). But pretty much every night includes pasta or potatoes. Nope, not whole wheat pasta either. (Gross. That's just how I feel about it.) And I always keep some breaded chicken breast in the freezer in addition to the fresh organic chicken and beef I get from the store. But that takes time, so more often than not I'm reaching for the breaded stuff. But I usually also bread the fresh chicken too. So...yeah. Lots of breading here. Gonna have to find some interesting ways to prepare plain chicken.
Today at Costco, I was thrilled to find a 4 lb bag of organic quinoa! I've used it and eaten it before, but the last time I tried it was very bitter, and I've been hesitant to try it again. My fave way to make it is with organic chicken stock and root veggies, but clearly I'm going to need to change it up to get through a 4 lb bag!
Anyone have some favorite quinoa recipes to share? Or some good chicken recipes/marinades?
In addition to the quinoa, I got some organic mixed greens, organic apple slices, plain frozen chicken breasts, and lentil chips for my snack cravings. I was having pita chips, but nutritionally the lentil chips come out ahead. And I found a 24 pack of organic eggs for a much better price than in the grocery store. George and our kids go through eggs like crazy, but the price of organic usually keeps the supply limited. I love them hard boiled for snacks, so I was pretty pumped about that find.
So part of the re-focus on what I'm eating had to include what I was eating. Clearly my body isn't going to keep going with just moderation, and a disregard for what I am moderating, no matter how "decent" my choices are.
I'm going to download an app on my iphone, hoping that will make it easier to track the calories. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to aim for. Most of the time, 1200 is spoken of as being the bare minimum, so I was thinking 1500? 1800? I don't want to eat too little, but I do still need to cut back enough for weight loss.
Maybe I'll try one or the other and give it a few weeks. Then I can adjust if needed.
Thanks for reading! You all keep me accountable!!
Last night George and I talked about our food choices and my frustration with dinnertime. It has to be fast, but it also needs to be healthy. Thanks to veggies that come in that steam pouch, I usually always manage to get a solid vegetable on the table (and no, never the ones with sauce or anything). But pretty much every night includes pasta or potatoes. Nope, not whole wheat pasta either. (Gross. That's just how I feel about it.) And I always keep some breaded chicken breast in the freezer in addition to the fresh organic chicken and beef I get from the store. But that takes time, so more often than not I'm reaching for the breaded stuff. But I usually also bread the fresh chicken too. So...yeah. Lots of breading here. Gonna have to find some interesting ways to prepare plain chicken.
Today at Costco, I was thrilled to find a 4 lb bag of organic quinoa! I've used it and eaten it before, but the last time I tried it was very bitter, and I've been hesitant to try it again. My fave way to make it is with organic chicken stock and root veggies, but clearly I'm going to need to change it up to get through a 4 lb bag!
Anyone have some favorite quinoa recipes to share? Or some good chicken recipes/marinades?
In addition to the quinoa, I got some organic mixed greens, organic apple slices, plain frozen chicken breasts, and lentil chips for my snack cravings. I was having pita chips, but nutritionally the lentil chips come out ahead. And I found a 24 pack of organic eggs for a much better price than in the grocery store. George and our kids go through eggs like crazy, but the price of organic usually keeps the supply limited. I love them hard boiled for snacks, so I was pretty pumped about that find.
So part of the re-focus on what I'm eating had to include what I was eating. Clearly my body isn't going to keep going with just moderation, and a disregard for what I am moderating, no matter how "decent" my choices are.
I'm going to download an app on my iphone, hoping that will make it easier to track the calories. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to aim for. Most of the time, 1200 is spoken of as being the bare minimum, so I was thinking 1500? 1800? I don't want to eat too little, but I do still need to cut back enough for weight loss.
Maybe I'll try one or the other and give it a few weeks. Then I can adjust if needed.
Thanks for reading! You all keep me accountable!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
What next?
Sigh. I've not been counting my calories. Not that I've been stuffing my face, either. I've been eating 3 meals a day, with a small snack in between, usually nuts or fruit. My breakfast has been oatmeal, lunch a turkey sandwich, and dinner...well, that's usually pasta with protein. Mostly because its fast and easy and I'm usually surrounded by three little children, one of whom clings to my legs as I move around the kitchen. It's too much pasta.
But the time has come, I believe, to count those calories. I've been working out an hour a day 6 days a week for nearly 3 weeks. And the scale...is not budging. The inches are slowly but surely dropping off, but that scale... I know most people will suggest not using the scale at all, and I totally get why. I'm just not sure I can let it go.
One of the reasons that number on the scale is so significant is because I do not want to go into my OB's office again anywhere near the weight I was when I began both of my pregnancies. Which is only slightly more than I am now. Max is almost a year old, and we're starting to pray about #3. I can't do another pregnancy this heavy. I just can't. I'm feeling immense pressure (of my own making, of course) to see the number go down. It's also dragging me down to a bad place mentally....a place of discouragement, and "why the hell should I care?" After all, I'm working my ass off and my body's saying, "yeah, so?"
It's a dangerous place for me. I've come to recognize these emotions as the last ones before I give up. I can't do that this time. I can't fail again. Because honestly I don't know if I'll ever try again.
Anyway, let's reroute back to the original topic, yes? Max weaned himself and last week was the last time I nursed him. Nursing needs extra calories, so restriction isn't usually a good idea. But I don't have that excuse anymore. So, counting it is, I guess. I HATE counting calories. It's tedious, restrictive, and I'm usually hungry as hell. It doesn't do much to bolster my mood.
I feel like I've managed to stay pretty cheerful up until now...it's frustrating to arrive at this place mentally. I know I'm on the brink. Anyone have any better ideas?
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Unexpected Blessing
When I set out to do this - really do this - I expected certain things. Inches lost, weight heading downward, sore muscles, having to give up some foods, and sacrificing some downtime...these were all things on my list of the expected.
What I did not expect was how this is changing me as a person, and most specifically as a mother. Before I began daily workouts, I had so many days with my children when I deteriorated into a crazy mommy with no patience who would either just shout at them or go into the bathroom to cry. I could not figure out why I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be. Perhaps I was overtired, sapped of energy from eating terrible foods and getting no exercise. It was horrible to feel so inadequate at something I desperately wanted to do well.
In March, I rearranged my childcare schedule to be just afternoons, so I was able to get out of the house more often. It helped quite a bit, but still I felt like I was losing my cool more often than I should. Lo and behold, when I began working out regularly, I found that my patience increased. My everyday mood has improved, and I have more energy for my kids. Maybe it's the burning off of nervous energy (my anxiety has also improved), or perhaps it's the endorphins. Whatever it is, I have had more patience, and have been experiencing the joy of motherhood more often than the challenges.
It was quite unexpected, but I'll take it. :)
Hope you all have a great weekend and Memorial Day!
What I did not expect was how this is changing me as a person, and most specifically as a mother. Before I began daily workouts, I had so many days with my children when I deteriorated into a crazy mommy with no patience who would either just shout at them or go into the bathroom to cry. I could not figure out why I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be. Perhaps I was overtired, sapped of energy from eating terrible foods and getting no exercise. It was horrible to feel so inadequate at something I desperately wanted to do well.
In March, I rearranged my childcare schedule to be just afternoons, so I was able to get out of the house more often. It helped quite a bit, but still I felt like I was losing my cool more often than I should. Lo and behold, when I began working out regularly, I found that my patience increased. My everyday mood has improved, and I have more energy for my kids. Maybe it's the burning off of nervous energy (my anxiety has also improved), or perhaps it's the endorphins. Whatever it is, I have had more patience, and have been experiencing the joy of motherhood more often than the challenges.
It was quite unexpected, but I'll take it. :)
Hope you all have a great weekend and Memorial Day!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Two Weeks of Zumba
Hi all!
There are still days I can't believe I didn't try this sooner. I'm just as crazy about it today as I was after my first class. I Zumba (because it really should be a verb, don't you think?) 4-5 times per week, depending on my schedule. There are as many instructors as classes, and I like that so much. It keeps it fresh!
I have my clear favorite - on Tuesday nights - but I really like all the others as well. They all do it just a little differently.
When I began, I really just wanted to stay in a corner where I couldn't see myself in the mirror, and where I wouldn't be conspicuous to the other people in the class. The last few classes, though, I've found myself moving up toward the front, less afraid of looking like a fool, and more confident in the moves. I'm still not that coordinated, but the few times I did glance in the mirror, I was relieved to see that my efforts at least resembled the instructor's! :) I can keep up, I just wish I looked a little more nimble and less plodding. But perhaps that will come.
I'm considering getting Zumba for my Wii, since I'd like to do it at home, and we still don't have a functioning DVD player. Anyone have it? Is it worth it?
I surprised myself today. I actually tried adding some of the jumps into the moves, and it didn't hurt my knees at all! In fact, my knees have felt so much better since I started working out regularly. I tried a couple times in the first class I took and I knew right away to stop, but today I didn't feel any pain or twinges. It felt really good to be able to do that. I felt strong. I could really tell that my stamina has improved, too. I'm really looking forward to the changes that are still to come.
I had forgotten how fun it is to jump. ;)
There are still days I can't believe I didn't try this sooner. I'm just as crazy about it today as I was after my first class. I Zumba (because it really should be a verb, don't you think?) 4-5 times per week, depending on my schedule. There are as many instructors as classes, and I like that so much. It keeps it fresh!
I have my clear favorite - on Tuesday nights - but I really like all the others as well. They all do it just a little differently.
When I began, I really just wanted to stay in a corner where I couldn't see myself in the mirror, and where I wouldn't be conspicuous to the other people in the class. The last few classes, though, I've found myself moving up toward the front, less afraid of looking like a fool, and more confident in the moves. I'm still not that coordinated, but the few times I did glance in the mirror, I was relieved to see that my efforts at least resembled the instructor's! :) I can keep up, I just wish I looked a little more nimble and less plodding. But perhaps that will come.
I'm considering getting Zumba for my Wii, since I'd like to do it at home, and we still don't have a functioning DVD player. Anyone have it? Is it worth it?
I surprised myself today. I actually tried adding some of the jumps into the moves, and it didn't hurt my knees at all! In fact, my knees have felt so much better since I started working out regularly. I tried a couple times in the first class I took and I knew right away to stop, but today I didn't feel any pain or twinges. It felt really good to be able to do that. I felt strong. I could really tell that my stamina has improved, too. I'm really looking forward to the changes that are still to come.
I had forgotten how fun it is to jump. ;)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Chocoholics Anonymous
My name is Emily, and I am addicted to chocolate.
Oh friends, this week my mind has been on chocolate. I have actually dreamed about it. Trader Joe's chocolate cake mix stared me down from the store shelf, daring me to pass by without picking it up. While I really don't deny myself anything I love at this point, I do have to control myself. I have to choose moderation, or it's back up the scale I'll go.
I think it all started last Saturday when I babysat two of my favorite kiddos. The younger of the two and I played a new board game: Chocolate-opoly. Yes, really. You don't go to jail, you go to Chocoholics Anonymous. And I went there no less than FIVE times. (It's like it knows me, you guys) I lost, of course (because who can win when they spend half the game in jail/CA?), but I also haven't been able to stop thinking about chocolate ever since. Sigh.
Or, it could be the box of Russell Stover's chocolates my hubby got me for Mother's Day. Which I was partially annoyed about (he knows I'm trying to be good about sweets), but partially glad about (because he got me the small box, good man). Whatever it is, it's chocolate on the brain this week, with no end in sight.
Maybe this is my body's signal that it's time to cut back more, to help with the cravings. After all, when I cut out fast food I stopped craving it all the time. Perhaps if I remove the sweets entirely the cravings will lessen? I dunno. I haven't had a lot of success in the past with restrictive diets, and I fully believe in moderation and not elimination. If I decide not to allow myself something, it's even harder to avoid it. This is a tough one. Thoughts? Suggestions?
On a more positive note, these are my stats. I took my first measurements the day after I started Zumba, which was about 2 weeks ago. Here's the change from last week, and the total to date!
5/16-5/23
Waist: -.75" (to date: -1.75")
Hips: -.5" (to date: -1")
Weight: +.5 lbs (to date: -27lbs)
I admit I was a little disheartened by the slight weight gain, but inches are still coming off, so I have to remember that weight is only one part of the equation.
Oh friends, this week my mind has been on chocolate. I have actually dreamed about it. Trader Joe's chocolate cake mix stared me down from the store shelf, daring me to pass by without picking it up. While I really don't deny myself anything I love at this point, I do have to control myself. I have to choose moderation, or it's back up the scale I'll go.
I think it all started last Saturday when I babysat two of my favorite kiddos. The younger of the two and I played a new board game: Chocolate-opoly. Yes, really. You don't go to jail, you go to Chocoholics Anonymous. And I went there no less than FIVE times. (It's like it knows me, you guys) I lost, of course (because who can win when they spend half the game in jail/CA?), but I also haven't been able to stop thinking about chocolate ever since. Sigh.
Or, it could be the box of Russell Stover's chocolates my hubby got me for Mother's Day. Which I was partially annoyed about (he knows I'm trying to be good about sweets), but partially glad about (because he got me the small box, good man). Whatever it is, it's chocolate on the brain this week, with no end in sight.
Maybe this is my body's signal that it's time to cut back more, to help with the cravings. After all, when I cut out fast food I stopped craving it all the time. Perhaps if I remove the sweets entirely the cravings will lessen? I dunno. I haven't had a lot of success in the past with restrictive diets, and I fully believe in moderation and not elimination. If I decide not to allow myself something, it's even harder to avoid it. This is a tough one. Thoughts? Suggestions?
On a more positive note, these are my stats. I took my first measurements the day after I started Zumba, which was about 2 weeks ago. Here's the change from last week, and the total to date!
5/16-5/23
Waist: -.75" (to date: -1.75")
Hips: -.5" (to date: -1")
Weight: +.5 lbs (to date: -27lbs)
I admit I was a little disheartened by the slight weight gain, but inches are still coming off, so I have to remember that weight is only one part of the equation.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Stats: Success!
A week ago yesterday I got out my trusty measuring tape and braced myself for the worst. And actually, it was not as bad as I feared. It wasn't good...but still. I'll take any good news I can get.
Now before you get too excited (because I know you're just breathless with anticipation, right? ;) ), I'm not going to share the starting measurements for a while. But I will share the changes, because there are! Changes! Woo!
5/9-5/16:
weight: -1.5 lbs
waist: -1"
hips: -1/2"
The first few drops in what I hope will one day be a full bucket of inches and pounds lost. It felt good to see that things are changing. No, I can't tell a difference in my clothes or anything yet, but I know that will come. For now, this is all the encouragement I need. :)
Now before you get too excited (because I know you're just breathless with anticipation, right? ;) ), I'm not going to share the starting measurements for a while. But I will share the changes, because there are! Changes! Woo!
5/9-5/16:
weight: -1.5 lbs
waist: -1"
hips: -1/2"
The first few drops in what I hope will one day be a full bucket of inches and pounds lost. It felt good to see that things are changing. No, I can't tell a difference in my clothes or anything yet, but I know that will come. For now, this is all the encouragement I need. :)
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Mind Games
I knew it was too good to be true. Last week I felt invincible, like I could take on the world. This week, willing myself to do the workouts has been tough. Really tough. I feel like I'm being helped along this week. Little things are reminding me and I'm getting my butt to the gym, but only barely.
Yesterday, I was seriously considering not going to Zumba. (You see? You see what I mean about that rest day? Gets me every time.) My kids were being total pills, and I was not exactly a shining example of patience either. I happened to call my MIL law about something totally unrelated and she asked me if I was going to Zumba that morning, because she was planning on it. I fudged a bit. Max was still sleeping - even though he had been down almost two hours and I knew I had to get him up anyway - and blah blah blah. This is after I spent about 20 minutes last Friday night sharing with her the wonders of Zumba and telling her exactly when I would be doing it. So, wanting to see if she loved it as much as I did, and knowing I needed to go, we made a mad dash out the door and arrived on time.
We had a new instructor. Holy hell, she kicked our butts. She was amazing, and I really hope to have her again next week. I felt good, glad that I had come, but still in The Place Of No Willpower.
Today, again, I thought seriously about skipping my workout. I was late last week because my kiddo got picked up at 6:20, so I figured the same would probably be true today. But by a stroke of good luck, it was 6:00 instead, and I had plenty of time to get there.
So you see, little reminders. A chance phone call, a kiddo picked up on time...things that went just right so that I didn't fall off this wagon for the bajillionth time. But one of these days I'm going to have to do it myself. I'll have to drag myself out of the darkness of The Place Of No Willpower and win the game all on my own.
Will it get better? Those of you who have conquered this and reached your goals...do the mind games get easier? Or do I just need to get used to it? Find a way to ignore it? Tomorrow, I'm at it again.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Workouts: Week One
I've been waging this war a long time. While that's sometimes discouraging, it has also helped me learn a great deal about what does and doesn't work for me.
When it comes to working out, I know that I probably won't ever be one of those people who can work out 2-3 times a week and stay with it consistently. I have to work out everyday. My vices make it that way. I tend toward laziness and disorganization. If I'm not right on top of those all the time, they take over. I've tried working out every other day, two days on one day off, etc. That "rest day" pulls me right down into my old habits, and halfway through it I already know I won't be going to work out the next day. Additionally, I have to plan my workouts for the week ahead of time. If I haven't already determined what to do (along with a plan B if the hubby works late or something) I won't do it at all.
I mentioned before the weight loss I had in college. Back then I used The FIRM. I loved that program. I still do, but it's hard to do at home with little ones. I didn't follow the recommendations for the workout schedule. Instead, I did it every day, right from the start. I stuck with it, and it worked. Once I tried to switch to every other day, my routine fell by the wayside and I stopped altogether.
So I knew I had to jump right in this time, every day; no matter what the workout looked like, it had to get done. I'm proud to say that this past week I did an hour-long workout every day but Sunday. Even though it was Mother's Day, I got a lot done around the house, so I'm hoping that counted for something. I think Sundays will be my challenging day because there aren't any classes at the gym besides yoga. So I'm not really sure what to throw in on that day. Our DVD player won't work, so all my home workouts are impossible. I really don't care much for yoga, and I have issues with my neck that make a lot of the poses really uncomfortable.
Any thoughts or suggestions to fill up my Sunday? Maybe something a little off the beaten path?
Next week will look like this: Monday - Zumba; Tuesday - Zumba; Wednesday - Zumba; Thursday - Cycling; Friday - Zumba; Saturday - Cycling.
Yes, it's a lot of Zumba, but aside from the fact that I LOVE it, the times for that class work best with my schedule. But something different for Sunday would be fun!
Thanks for reading. I know for some of you this parallels your own journeys. We can do this! Thanks for being motivation for me, too.
Hope you all have a great week!
When it comes to working out, I know that I probably won't ever be one of those people who can work out 2-3 times a week and stay with it consistently. I have to work out everyday. My vices make it that way. I tend toward laziness and disorganization. If I'm not right on top of those all the time, they take over. I've tried working out every other day, two days on one day off, etc. That "rest day" pulls me right down into my old habits, and halfway through it I already know I won't be going to work out the next day. Additionally, I have to plan my workouts for the week ahead of time. If I haven't already determined what to do (along with a plan B if the hubby works late or something) I won't do it at all.
I mentioned before the weight loss I had in college. Back then I used The FIRM. I loved that program. I still do, but it's hard to do at home with little ones. I didn't follow the recommendations for the workout schedule. Instead, I did it every day, right from the start. I stuck with it, and it worked. Once I tried to switch to every other day, my routine fell by the wayside and I stopped altogether.
So I knew I had to jump right in this time, every day; no matter what the workout looked like, it had to get done. I'm proud to say that this past week I did an hour-long workout every day but Sunday. Even though it was Mother's Day, I got a lot done around the house, so I'm hoping that counted for something. I think Sundays will be my challenging day because there aren't any classes at the gym besides yoga. So I'm not really sure what to throw in on that day. Our DVD player won't work, so all my home workouts are impossible. I really don't care much for yoga, and I have issues with my neck that make a lot of the poses really uncomfortable.
Any thoughts or suggestions to fill up my Sunday? Maybe something a little off the beaten path?
Next week will look like this: Monday - Zumba; Tuesday - Zumba; Wednesday - Zumba; Thursday - Cycling; Friday - Zumba; Saturday - Cycling.
Yes, it's a lot of Zumba, but aside from the fact that I LOVE it, the times for that class work best with my schedule. But something different for Sunday would be fun!
Thanks for reading. I know for some of you this parallels your own journeys. We can do this! Thanks for being motivation for me, too.
Hope you all have a great week!
I can't remember...
Have you heard that saying, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"? I was thinking about that this morning while attempting to ignore a craving. It occurred to me that I can't remember what it feels like to be thin.
The last time I was in the neighborhood of an appropriate weight for my height/body type was in college. My junior year I lost 25 pounds through diet and exercise (and I started out at 50 pounds less than I am now). I felt great. I felt energetic, happy and relished a sense of accomplishment. It's been so long since I felt those things about my weight that I literally can no longer remember what it's like.
I can't remember what if feels like to be thin.
I can't remember how it felt to pull anything out of my drawer or closet and know that it would fit.
I can't remember looking in a mirror and not having trouble meeting my own gaze or looking away as quickly as possible.
I can't remember what confidence feels like.
I can't remember the last time I felt attractive.
I've been heavy for so long that it's almost become a part of my identity, something about which I grew comfortable and complacent. Not happy with it, but just believing that the hurdle had become too big, too insurmountable, so why bother?
Wow. This is getting depressing, I think. Sorry, you guys. I have a point! I promise!
My point is...not being able to remember these things makes me even more determined to get there. I want to be able to grab something out of my closet and get dressed, knowing what I'm wearing fits and looks good. I want to feel like I've jumped that hurdle and can turn around and scoff at it. <insert appropriately haughty laugh here> I want to feel like I can run and jump with my kids. I want to feel like I'm attractive to my husband.*
And I never, EVER want to forget again.
*Just to be clear, this is my perception and struggle only. My husband has always assured me that he loves me as I am. :)
The last time I was in the neighborhood of an appropriate weight for my height/body type was in college. My junior year I lost 25 pounds through diet and exercise (and I started out at 50 pounds less than I am now). I felt great. I felt energetic, happy and relished a sense of accomplishment. It's been so long since I felt those things about my weight that I literally can no longer remember what it's like.
I can't remember what if feels like to be thin.
I can't remember how it felt to pull anything out of my drawer or closet and know that it would fit.
I can't remember looking in a mirror and not having trouble meeting my own gaze or looking away as quickly as possible.
I can't remember what confidence feels like.
I can't remember the last time I felt attractive.
I've been heavy for so long that it's almost become a part of my identity, something about which I grew comfortable and complacent. Not happy with it, but just believing that the hurdle had become too big, too insurmountable, so why bother?
Wow. This is getting depressing, I think. Sorry, you guys. I have a point! I promise!
My point is...not being able to remember these things makes me even more determined to get there. I want to be able to grab something out of my closet and get dressed, knowing what I'm wearing fits and looks good. I want to feel like I've jumped that hurdle and can turn around and scoff at it. <insert appropriately haughty laugh here> I want to feel like I can run and jump with my kids. I want to feel like I'm attractive to my husband.*
And I never, EVER want to forget again.
*Just to be clear, this is my perception and struggle only. My husband has always assured me that he loves me as I am. :)
Friday, May 11, 2012
"Me Time": Then and Now
Not that long ago, the time I had to myself looked very different. If I could manage it, I would take an hour or two and head to Applebee's. I would order the spicy queso and a mudslide...and finish them both.
Let's let that sink in for a moment...
I'd eat an appetizer made for two or more people by myself and wash it down with a drink made from ice cream and alcohol. UGH.
The sad thing is, it still sounds good. I still have to remind myself that my "me time" doesn't look like that anymore; that it can't look like that anymore. I still have to remind myself that even though I really don't "deny" myself anything, that's a place I can't go. It's still too slippery a slope.
Now, "me time" is when I rush out the door to the gym after dinner, or drop my loves in the gym's daycare one or two mornings a week so I can work out. Part of me resents that; I would rather be doing a thousand other things than using my sparse alone time to sweat it out in the aerobics room. But part of me also knows that if I don't change this, I may not even be around to have it. Hmm. Suddenly that queso and mudslide don't sound so good anymore.
At the end of Zumba tonight, our instructor played Kelly Clarkson's Stronger. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I really realized that I wasn't just doing this for me. I was doing it for my kids, and for my husband, because they deserve to have a healthy mom, a healthy wife. I'm getting stronger with every workout. I'm changing my future every time I don't drive over to that restaurant. Every step I take to better my health is an investment in my future, and in theirs.
And it's funny how, just like that, it felt like time well spent.
Let's let that sink in for a moment...
I'd eat an appetizer made for two or more people by myself and wash it down with a drink made from ice cream and alcohol. UGH.
The sad thing is, it still sounds good. I still have to remind myself that my "me time" doesn't look like that anymore; that it can't look like that anymore. I still have to remind myself that even though I really don't "deny" myself anything, that's a place I can't go. It's still too slippery a slope.
Now, "me time" is when I rush out the door to the gym after dinner, or drop my loves in the gym's daycare one or two mornings a week so I can work out. Part of me resents that; I would rather be doing a thousand other things than using my sparse alone time to sweat it out in the aerobics room. But part of me also knows that if I don't change this, I may not even be around to have it. Hmm. Suddenly that queso and mudslide don't sound so good anymore.
At the end of Zumba tonight, our instructor played Kelly Clarkson's Stronger. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I really realized that I wasn't just doing this for me. I was doing it for my kids, and for my husband, because they deserve to have a healthy mom, a healthy wife. I'm getting stronger with every workout. I'm changing my future every time I don't drive over to that restaurant. Every step I take to better my health is an investment in my future, and in theirs.
And it's funny how, just like that, it felt like time well spent.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Zumba
I am not a dancer. It's one of my fondest wishes, but alas. God blessed me with rhythm, but not physical coordination. So you might understand my hesitation at attempting something like Zumba. I was pretty sure I would look like an idiot and not be able to keep up. But I decided that I'm going to try new workouts, so tonight after M was picked up I ran out the door for a 6:30 class.
Aside from my slight nervousness, I was also 10 minutes late and it was packed. I forged a little spot for myself in the corner and jumped in with two feet. Into squats. Fun! I felt the burn right away and for a moment I wasn't sure I could do it for another 40 minutes. But the beautiful thing about Zumba is that it's always changing. Our instructor was upbeat and clearly having the time of her life, and her attitude was infectious. Thge music was awesome. Everyone there - from the women who were clearly regulars, to the newbies like me - was having fun. I couldn't begin to name all the styles of dance we did, but aside from 2 of them I was able to really keep pace with the instructor. About 10 minutes in, I realized 2 things. First, I was sweating like crazy - in the way that you know you're working your tail off - and second, I was smiling. I don't think I have ever smiled during a workout.
I'm going back for the next class. Knowing there's a way to get a great cardio workout and have fun doing it? How could I not go back? If you've never tried Zumba, do it. You'll love it. I did.
Aside from my slight nervousness, I was also 10 minutes late and it was packed. I forged a little spot for myself in the corner and jumped in with two feet. Into squats. Fun! I felt the burn right away and for a moment I wasn't sure I could do it for another 40 minutes. But the beautiful thing about Zumba is that it's always changing. Our instructor was upbeat and clearly having the time of her life, and her attitude was infectious. Thge music was awesome. Everyone there - from the women who were clearly regulars, to the newbies like me - was having fun. I couldn't begin to name all the styles of dance we did, but aside from 2 of them I was able to really keep pace with the instructor. About 10 minutes in, I realized 2 things. First, I was sweating like crazy - in the way that you know you're working your tail off - and second, I was smiling. I don't think I have ever smiled during a workout.
I'm going back for the next class. Knowing there's a way to get a great cardio workout and have fun doing it? How could I not go back? If you've never tried Zumba, do it. You'll love it. I did.
A relatively stable level, period, or state
That's right, folks. Say it with me. PLATEAU!
Until I read the actual definition, I had always felt negatively toward the weight loss plateau. But now, I'm not so sure. After all, stability is generally regarded as a good thing! In family life, in a career, in a canoe (or any watercraft, really)...stability is the name of the game. So why the dread when it comes to weight loss? I'm still 245. My weight loss still stands at 26 pounds. I haven't gained any weight. I've maintained my weight. Would it be better if I were maintaining 160 pounds? Well, sure. But these plateaus are bound to happen, so instead of getting frustrated, I can think of it as practice for maintaining my goal weight.
I don't want to stay here, but I'm glad I haven't gone back up. I've dealt with and solved a couple of health issues that were getting in the way of working out. So now, I'm committing to 4 classes at my gym per week. I'm trying to try some I wouldn't have considered before, like Zumba (please, God, don't let me look like a complete fool).
I know I could workout at home, but my kids are still pretty young (and haven't yet learned patience), and no one naps simultaneously anymore. Plus, I like getting out and trying new things. I get bored with workouts really quickly, so being able to change it up a lot is good for me. Hopefully this plateau will end soon and the increased exercise will begin to shave off these pounds, but for now...I'll take stability.
Until I read the actual definition, I had always felt negatively toward the weight loss plateau. But now, I'm not so sure. After all, stability is generally regarded as a good thing! In family life, in a career, in a canoe (or any watercraft, really)...stability is the name of the game. So why the dread when it comes to weight loss? I'm still 245. My weight loss still stands at 26 pounds. I haven't gained any weight. I've maintained my weight. Would it be better if I were maintaining 160 pounds? Well, sure. But these plateaus are bound to happen, so instead of getting frustrated, I can think of it as practice for maintaining my goal weight.
I don't want to stay here, but I'm glad I haven't gone back up. I've dealt with and solved a couple of health issues that were getting in the way of working out. So now, I'm committing to 4 classes at my gym per week. I'm trying to try some I wouldn't have considered before, like Zumba (please, God, don't let me look like a complete fool).
I know I could workout at home, but my kids are still pretty young (and haven't yet learned patience), and no one naps simultaneously anymore. Plus, I like getting out and trying new things. I get bored with workouts really quickly, so being able to change it up a lot is good for me. Hopefully this plateau will end soon and the increased exercise will begin to shave off these pounds, but for now...I'll take stability.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Oh hey, I didn't see you there...
Riiight. It's been a while. But. BUT!!! I have good news!
I am down 26 pounds. TWENTY. SIX.
I think I finally feel okay telling the internet where my weight started. 271. Oh lordy. I'm not even really sure that's where it started, since for a while I couldn't even bring myself to get on the scale. But once I talked myself into it, that's what I saw. Since my previous "highest weight ever" was around 250, seeing that number was...awful.
December was a crapshoot. With the holidays and traveling to South Carolina, it was not easy to check my eating. January proved to be better. Mostly, I decided to completely cut out fast food for a while. Yeah, it was a multiple times per week occurrence. It was hard in the beginning, but after a while the cravings went away, and these days it's harder to eat it (which is rare, anymore) than to not eat it. So, hey! Success.
Since that point, my weight has steadily been coming down a couple pounds per week. I haven't been doing anything really remarkable, but in addition to the elimination of fast food, I've been trying to cook more at home, and really commit to moderation. I haven't denied myself anything per se, but I have gotten used to having a small handful of chips, or a fun size bag of M&M's, instead of giant quantities. And I've found myself craving them less since I'm not overindulging on a regular basis.
It's been so gradual that I really didn't notice the point when I stopped being overly hungry during the day, or craving bad-for-me snacks/desserts. I didn't notice when my stomach was no longer growling a few hours after dinner. It just kind of occurred to me one day that those things were no longer commonplace. It was really nice.
So, 245. It's at this point that I am going to add exercise. Instead of the Couch to 5K, I'm just going to start with the elliptical machine. I don't want a repeat of the patellar tendon injury by doing too much too fast (and while too heavy). But that is one thing I want to try again, and finish.
One step at a time. For now, I'm just relishing being under 250 again.
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