Where I've been...What I've been thinking

Where have I been? On this good old plateau called The Lower 40's. If you've been following me since my first go at this (waaaay back before I got pregnant with my son), you may remember that 240-242 plateau. Well...my body really likes it here, I guess. But today, I saw a number I haven't seen since before I got pregnant with my daughter...a number I haven't seen in over 4 years, maybe even 5 or 6 years.

TWO....


THIRTY (woo!)...


SEVEN!!!!!

Yes, I had that one fantastic day this summer when I hit 239 and some change. But after that I bounced back up to The Lower 40's. 237 feels more concrete, but who knows? I'm excited though, lemme tell ya! I've got a goal set for Christmas time.

215.

(low whistle)

I know. Lofty goal, huh? But really it's like, barely more than 20 pounds in 2 months. Do-able. Hard, but do-able. I can't even remember what it's like to be 215. I'm awfully excited to find out, though. :)

So, beyond this whole breaking-through-the-plateau business, I've been thinking about this whole weight thing. I see and read a lot of articles on weight-acceptance. Mostly it deals with anti-bullying, the way our society views people of size, etc. But in the midst of all of those good reasons and points of view, there is a common thread, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's a lot of talk about not shaming people of size, and that we should be happy, even proud of our weight. And I agree with the first...society shouldn't shame the overweight. We shouldn't all be lumped into one anecdote about why we are overweight, or how we became so. But you know what?

All the talk about being proud of being overweight, and demanding that I think of myself as beautiful and just fine the way I am...makes me feel ashamed for wanting something different. I read those articles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm breaking some unwritten rules. I don't like being overweight. Not because I feel like people have shamed me for being so. Not because I feel like I'm being judged everywhere I go. Not because I was bullied as a kid (I wasn't), or because I want to be like everyone else. I just don't like it. I don't like being tired all the time, I don't like not being able to show my children how to jump or run or climb a tree. I don't like crying in a dressing room because nothing feels good or looks right. I don't like still looking pregnant over a year after my son was born. I just don't like it. I don't want this life.

Why does that feel wrong? I don't think that's any better than what people are arguing against. Making overweight people feel like they have to stay that way in defiance of society or whatever else isn't any different. It's shaming in a new and different way, and in another sphere, it's also bullying. I never felt bullied for being "chubby" as a kid or as a teenager. But I will say I feel bullied now. I feel like I'm being bullied into staying overweight. How is that progress? How is that acceptance?

Just my thoughts these past weeks. I know this might upset some friends, and please know I'm not passing judgement on you personally. I just don't feel ok with it. It's me, and no one else.