I can't remember...

Have you heard that saying, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"?  I was thinking about that this morning while attempting to ignore a craving. It occurred to me that I can't remember what it feels like to be thin.

The last time I was in the neighborhood of an appropriate weight for my height/body type was in college. My junior year I lost 25 pounds through diet and exercise (and I started out at 50 pounds less than I am now). I felt great. I felt energetic, happy and relished a sense of accomplishment. It's been so long since I felt those things about my weight that I literally can no longer remember what it's like.

I can't remember what if feels like to be thin. 
I can't remember how it felt to pull anything out of my drawer or closet and know that it would fit. 
I can't remember looking in a mirror and not having trouble meeting my own gaze or looking away as quickly as possible. 
I can't remember what confidence feels like. 
I can't remember the last time I felt attractive. 

I've been heavy for so long that it's almost become a part of my identity, something about which I grew comfortable and complacent. Not happy with it, but just believing that the hurdle had become too big, too insurmountable, so why bother?

Wow. This is getting depressing, I think. Sorry, you guys. I have a point! I promise!

My point is...not being able to remember these things makes me even more determined to get there. I want to be able to grab something out of my closet and get dressed, knowing what I'm wearing fits and looks good. I want to feel like I've jumped that hurdle and can turn around and scoff at it. <insert appropriately haughty laugh here>  I want to feel like I can run and jump with my kids. I want to feel like I'm attractive to my husband.*

And I never, EVER want to forget again.



*Just to be clear, this is my perception and struggle only. My husband has always assured me that he loves me as I am. :)