A Good Week

Today I got on the scale again.

I braced myself to see 242. Again. Still. Hopefully, even (you know...anywhere but up!) But you know what?

I'm back to 240! So, that's a 4 pound weight loss this week!

I know for us (women, that is...), we can fluctuate in a 5-10 pound range without it being "true" weight lost...but I'm holding onto this one. I have to, or I might go crazy. I'm just so relieved to find the scale beginning to move!

I ditched the shakes this last week, in favor of a turkey wrap with some crunchy romaine lettuce (I've been absolutely craving that lettuce...there's just nothing better than a wrap with nice crunchy lettuce) for lunch, but that's really the only change I've made. Still eating every couple hours.

As far as exercise, I spoke a little too soon about my 30-day shred plans the other day. My hubby was out of town since Monday night, and I don't sleep very well at all when he's gone (seriously, very few hours of sleep), so I needed that extra hour in between charge #1 and charge #2 so that I could finally sleep a little and actually function to care for 3 kids all day.

So, since he'll be home tonight (yay!), I'll actually get some good rest the next couple nights and will begin the program Friday morning. I'm excited to try it, and hopeful that the pounds will continue to come off.

Thanks to all of you who read this. I know it's not the most exciting journey in the world, but I'm trying to rewrite my future, and I'm grateful to all of you coming along with me and for your encouragment and support!

Still trying...

So here we are, a little over 3 weeks into this, and I have managed to lose 2 pounds. Those two pounds came off of the 4 that I put on when I fell off the wagon. So, I'm still 2 pounds more than when I started. 242.

It's more than frustrating to be here. I think I've made some really positive changes in the last few weeks and have managed to pick myself back up a couple times instead of staying down, as I would have in times past.

And...there has been an injury that kept me from working out for almost two weeks. But I'm all healed now, and I know from prior experience that I HAVE to work out to lose significant weight. I can't just cut some calories and see any real progress. That's just the way my body does it. I just got my 30-day shred DVD, and will begin tomorrow.

I'm saying an extra prayer that I can avoid injury!

For now, my goal is to stick with it for 30 days (I have to think small, otherwise I get too overwhelmed with the big picture). So, from October 19th until November 17th.

This means I give up my extra hour of sleep after one of my little charges arrives at 6:00am (and goes back to sleep around 6:15). But that's ok. I bet I'll feel more energized for the kiddos, which can never hurt. :)

Wish me luck!

Wish me luck!

reconditioning

I was watching a story on extreme eating on the Today show early this morning, and there was a woman who had the lap-band procedure done. But she was talking about how even though she had this thing done, it didn't change anything about the way she thought about food, or the need to continue the emotional eating. And so she was eating "slider foods" (in other words, foods that would "slide" past the lap band). She lost 150 lbs and then gained it back plus some.



It struck me kind of hard, because I struggle with those emotional issues with food, and she's right, no quick fix - or even a good diet plan - teaches you how to disconnect the food from the emotions.

I realize I have to rethink my process. Because if the last week has shown me anything, it's that eating less is not the only remedy I need. I need to recondition my brain to think of food as nourishment and fuel, instead of as consolation, comfort, a means of celebration, or even as a "friend" when I'm all by myself. This has been going on for such a long time that it's not truly something that even makes it to the forefront of my brain when I eat.

That's the thing about habits...after a while you stop noticing that you're even doing it. I think the same applies to the many, many, many times I've quit my weight-loss efforts. My brain is so conditioned into the "Try ---> Small Success ---> Obstacle ---> Quit" cycle that I don't even make a conscious decision to quit. It just kind of happens.

And it's particularly hard to be in a battle of wits with your very own brain. It's like playing chess with a computer. You might win 1 time out of 1,000, and usually by accident.

I don't know why I can see other people's successes and still not see this endeavor as possible for me. And that might be my biggest stumbling block.

So let's start small.

#1: I believe I can lose weight. I have proof of this possibility...I lost 25 pounds my junior year of college through hard work and watching what I ate. And I worked my tail off. It doesn't matter where that determination went or why I don't have it in this moment. I know I am capable of it. I will stop pitying myself, because I am just as capable and just as worthy of success as anyone else who has made this same journey.

#2: Pay attention to what I'm eating. Put a note on the pantry door and refrigerator that says: "What are you consuming? What's in it and how will it benefit you?"

This is what I'll do this week. Baby steps, stop thinking so big that I get overwhelmed, and battle my own brain. It doesn't seem like much, but have you ever played chess against the computer? It's hard, ya'll.

Wrenches

So it hasn't been pretty since I hurt my knee. I've used it as an excuse to give up.

Yes, even after my personal victory two weeks ago, I left it all behind and fell off that proverbial wagon. I haven't stepped on the scale, because I don't want to know what it will say.

Any other time in my life that I've tried to do this, once I fell off the wagon, I stayed off. But I wrote this blog to keep myself accountable. And I don't think I could look any of you in the eye again if I don't finish this thing.

So. I fell off. And now I'm getting back up. If you look to the left on my family blog, you'll see a link to a blog I read called Adios, Fat Pants (and I will get the links to my fave blogs on here soon, too). And this morning I read this entry:
http://adiosfatpants.blogspot.com/2010/10/oven-disaster-and-learning-lessons.html

She talks about the wrenches that get thrown into our efforts sometimes, and how it's no excuse to stop doing what you're doing. And reading it I realized that I always give up when it happens. Case in point: my knee, among about a million other things in years past. But at some point I have to decide that I won't anymore...that there will be a last time that I'll let those wrenches affect me and my goals. And this is it.


And for the record, my knee? Has been 100% for about 4 days now. Yay!

better

Sorry it's been a few days! They have been intensely busy days at that! I've been thoroughly worn out at the end of the week since I started caring for a four-month-old last week, and this week started with another 14 month-old. They keep me on my toes!

I think my knee is healing. There were about 4 days there that I had to take motrin all day to keep from being in tons of pain. But the last couple days have been fine. I still take a dose at night as I'm going to bed because it keeps it from hurting when I wake up, but during the day I'm just icing it periodically, and it's been about 75% better. Still a little sore by day's end, but overall much improved. I feel reassured that it IS healing and that it won't be too long before I can resume some calorie-busting moves.

I'm going to stay away from the running for a couple months. It's disappointing, but I think it's something I need to try again after I've lost some weight. I'm hopeful it'll go more smoothly then.

I'm just waiting for my 30 Day Shred to arrive and give it a try. I'm also looking into Weight Watchers. I hate to think I can't figure out how to eat on my own, but with three kids going, going, going all day I tend to just grab what's there. I've taken most things out of my pantry that would be bad for me anyway, but I feel like I would benefit from the guidance, at least for a little while.

I've definitely been struggling with some willpower issues the last few days...when I'm working out it seems easier to eat better and resist temptation!

Hope you are all enjoying the fall weather!

disappointing setbacks

I had the best C-2-5K workout on Tuesday morning. I felt...empowered, strong, and encouraged.

And ever since then, I have had some wicked pain in my patellar tendon. Advice? Rest, ice, and time. Apparently it's a common injury, more common with those whose sports include jumping, but can also plague those who run. Also those who are overweight.

I am so, SO unbelievably disappointed. I really felt like I broke through a barrier on Tuesday morning...and now here I sit with ice on my knee and the knowledge that trying to run on it will only make it worse.

I really, really wanted this. I wanted to finish this program and run my 5K. And I know if I give this time to heal, and perhaps wait until I've dropped some weight, that it will be very possible.

But I'm literally in tears, you guys. (Me? Crying over NOT being able to work out? I know...I have no idea who this girl is either!) Having to start all over down the road...to have gotten myself through a huge mental and physical barrier only to have to stop is more frustrating than I can even say. It feels like it was all for nothing.

And now all I want to do is eat.

Fuck.

Sorry.

excuse me, but will you please move?

I got on the scale this morning for the first time in about a week. I really have to refrain myself from using it every day, so when I manage to wait so long, I am anxious to see the progress.

It hadn't budged. Not one measly ounce.

You know what my immediate thought was?

"Well, I guess I may as well get that Culver's I've been craving, because avoiding it apparently doesn't matter."

Whoa. And in that moment, I saw - more clearly than I ever have - my pattern over the last 10 years. Something not working? Give it up! It's not worth trying if it's not making any difference.

Instead, I re-evaluated. I talked myself down from Culver's Cliff and looked more closely at what my eating habits had been these last two weeks. Yes, I was eating less. Yes, I was eating things that were good for me, but perhaps the organization was off.

I would have a smoothie for breakfast, a slimfast (now I've switched to Atkins shakes...no soy protein) shake for lunch, and then dinner, which usually consisted of a lean protein, veggie, and a grain. No food after 7pm. I wouldn't really snack, because I'm afraid of snacking. It's a big pitfall for me, because I tend not to be able to limit myself the way I should and end up eating more of a meal-sized snack.

So I guess I wonder if trying to avoid a landmine is what's keeping the scale from moving. Perhaps I'm not eating enough.

So today, I had oatmeal for breakfast (7:30a), and low-fat yogurt for a snack (9:15a), and I'm about to make an egg sandwich on whole grain bread (no mayo, just eggs and bread). I will still have my atkins shake for lunch a couple hours after that. So, I guess I'll try the eating-every-couple-hours school of thought for a while and see if that can't give the scale a swift kick in the rear.

It also occurs to me that I may just not be burning enough calories. A half-hour interval workout 3x a week probably isn't doing a whole lot. So, I'm going to have to throw something else in there on my off days. I've had recommendations for Jillian Michael's 30-day-shred, so I'm gonna give that a whirl.

It's taking a whole lot of willpower to keep this up without results.

But the pounds will eventually start disappearing...

right?

That time that God woke me up...

Last night I said a little prayer. I was going to bed and as I laid down, I said quietly, "Lord, please help me get up and do this in the morning." And I drifted off.

I forgot to set my alarm. Are you shocked? I am so shocked. No, really, I am.

I woke up at 6:34 this morning. Had I set my alarm, it would have gone off at 6:35. When I looked at the clock, I put my face into my pillow and contemplated staying in bed. But I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and went outside.

When I got out into the cool morning air, I remembered my prayer. And that's when I realized that God made sure I got up this morning, even if I couldn't. And I whispered a quiet prayer of thanks.

P.S. Thanks everyone, for your comments. It really is easier to do this knowing that you are supporting me!

getting up

Just a quick blurb to say what I wanted to scream to the rooftops this morning at about 7am....but out of deference to my neighbors, I refrained.

I DID IT!!!!!

struggling...

so. here we are.

this is the point in any new endeavor when i cop out. i get to one small goal, take one small step...and call it good. and i've been okay with that pattern for the better part of 10 years. "really, it's fine. i dont need to go any farther...i went this little bit and that means i can do it, so i can do it anytime i want so...i'll do it later". it's like that oh-so-cliche phrase: "i can quit any time i want", except...reversed. so it's kind of the same. i guess. you know what i mean.

what!? i mean seriously...what?! i wish i were kidding, but that's my way. it's like my trademark. heh heh.

but that has to change. has to. no if's, and's or but's...as my dear dad would say.

and i find myself here once again. my eating habits? great! finished week 1 of C-2-5K? check! and now i'm in that place...ohhhh, yes indeed.

week 2? there's a week 2, you say? with...more running? eat well for another week? whatever for?

yes, these are the battles raging in my brain at this very moment.

today i ate two packages of little debbie swiss rolls. probably not the worst slip up ever, but i forgave myself. didn't even think much of it really. and that folks, is how you spend 10 years being complacent.

no. more. NO. MORE.

i will get this jiggly arse out of bed in the morning. i will put on my running shoes and i will go. out the door, into the blessedly cool morning air (yay, autumn!) where i will push past this point, past the point of complacency, past the edge of my comfort zone.

"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down." ~ Mary Pickford

here's to getting up!

Goals

I read this quote today, and I thought it appropriate for my little blog here:

"Goals that are not written down are just wishes."
~Author Unknown

It rings true, dontcha think?

Here's the outline of my goals:

Weight:
Ideally, I'd like to lose about 40 pounds before we have another baby. After that, I'd like to get down to about 155. I have no illusions of being 120lbs. I'm not being defeatist when I say it's probably not realistic, just honest. I think my body type/bone structure probably wouldn't support such a low weight. I've been a size 12 at 180 lbs, so I'm thinking somewhere in the size 10 range would be pretty awesome.

That being said, I'm really going to have to work my a** off to get this first 40 lbs off. We don't want to wait too long before trying for #2, so I've got maybe 4 months if all goes as planned (and let's face it...it usually doesn't!)

Activity:
I want to finish my Couch to 5K. I completed Week 1 yesterday. I don't finish much that I start out to do, so finishing it will be a big personal victory.

When I finish it, I want to sign up for my first 5K.

I want to try P90X. I know, I know...that's tough shit right there, but I do want to give it a whirl by the end of the year. Who knows? I might love it.

Measurements:
I'm not sure this one is a great idea...depending on muscle built, and fat lost, there's really no good way to anticipate this one...so we'll just leave it at that.

So there they are...my goals in black and white. And today was a family reunion, so it was my free day.

All in all, though, I did pretty well...not a lot of mindless snacking on hors d'oeuvres, reasonable dessert portions, a small dinner on the way home.

"Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination."
~Fitzhugh Dodson

Who's got a goal, a plan, and two thumbs? This girl.

Here I Go

So, here it is. Out on the interwebs for anyone to see. My long, long weigh down. I had to have someplace to be accountable, and also to keep a record for myself of my progress.

My name is Emily, and I am obese. (Just now, typing that, I cried. I always knew it, but only admitted it to myself)

I am 240 pounds. Yikes. That looks even scarier in print.

I am a size 18.

I am a mom of a toddler. I love her more than words can say, and as much as I need to do this for me, I need to do this for her. I want her to have a mom who has energy, a mom who sets a good example of how to eat, and how to be active.

I am wife to my own personal superman. This is for him, too. He deserves a wife who takes care of herself...and not just a wife who wants to spend a long happy life with him, but one who actually can.

I'm lucky so far. Genes have been in my favor. Good cholesterol, good BP, no type 2 diabetes. But how long do I want to keep pushing my luck and relying on my gene pool to get me through?

So this is it. I think I want to do this more than I ever have. I have resolve and determination I've never had. Maybe it's getting older, maturing into a real adult.

We are still building our family, so there will be stops and starts on the weightloss journey if I have another baby, but taking care of myself while pregnant is still important (and I really didn't do that so well the first time), so I'll document that journey here too.

Welcome! Thanks for taking this journey with me.