disappointing setbacks

I had the best C-2-5K workout on Tuesday morning. I felt...empowered, strong, and encouraged.

And ever since then, I have had some wicked pain in my patellar tendon. Advice? Rest, ice, and time. Apparently it's a common injury, more common with those whose sports include jumping, but can also plague those who run. Also those who are overweight.

I am so, SO unbelievably disappointed. I really felt like I broke through a barrier on Tuesday morning...and now here I sit with ice on my knee and the knowledge that trying to run on it will only make it worse.

I really, really wanted this. I wanted to finish this program and run my 5K. And I know if I give this time to heal, and perhaps wait until I've dropped some weight, that it will be very possible.

But I'm literally in tears, you guys. (Me? Crying over NOT being able to work out? I know...I have no idea who this girl is either!) Having to start all over down the road...to have gotten myself through a huge mental and physical barrier only to have to stop is more frustrating than I can even say. It feels like it was all for nothing.

And now all I want to do is eat.

Fuck.

Sorry.

excuse me, but will you please move?

I got on the scale this morning for the first time in about a week. I really have to refrain myself from using it every day, so when I manage to wait so long, I am anxious to see the progress.

It hadn't budged. Not one measly ounce.

You know what my immediate thought was?

"Well, I guess I may as well get that Culver's I've been craving, because avoiding it apparently doesn't matter."

Whoa. And in that moment, I saw - more clearly than I ever have - my pattern over the last 10 years. Something not working? Give it up! It's not worth trying if it's not making any difference.

Instead, I re-evaluated. I talked myself down from Culver's Cliff and looked more closely at what my eating habits had been these last two weeks. Yes, I was eating less. Yes, I was eating things that were good for me, but perhaps the organization was off.

I would have a smoothie for breakfast, a slimfast (now I've switched to Atkins shakes...no soy protein) shake for lunch, and then dinner, which usually consisted of a lean protein, veggie, and a grain. No food after 7pm. I wouldn't really snack, because I'm afraid of snacking. It's a big pitfall for me, because I tend not to be able to limit myself the way I should and end up eating more of a meal-sized snack.

So I guess I wonder if trying to avoid a landmine is what's keeping the scale from moving. Perhaps I'm not eating enough.

So today, I had oatmeal for breakfast (7:30a), and low-fat yogurt for a snack (9:15a), and I'm about to make an egg sandwich on whole grain bread (no mayo, just eggs and bread). I will still have my atkins shake for lunch a couple hours after that. So, I guess I'll try the eating-every-couple-hours school of thought for a while and see if that can't give the scale a swift kick in the rear.

It also occurs to me that I may just not be burning enough calories. A half-hour interval workout 3x a week probably isn't doing a whole lot. So, I'm going to have to throw something else in there on my off days. I've had recommendations for Jillian Michael's 30-day-shred, so I'm gonna give that a whirl.

It's taking a whole lot of willpower to keep this up without results.

But the pounds will eventually start disappearing...

right?

That time that God woke me up...

Last night I said a little prayer. I was going to bed and as I laid down, I said quietly, "Lord, please help me get up and do this in the morning." And I drifted off.

I forgot to set my alarm. Are you shocked? I am so shocked. No, really, I am.

I woke up at 6:34 this morning. Had I set my alarm, it would have gone off at 6:35. When I looked at the clock, I put my face into my pillow and contemplated staying in bed. But I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and went outside.

When I got out into the cool morning air, I remembered my prayer. And that's when I realized that God made sure I got up this morning, even if I couldn't. And I whispered a quiet prayer of thanks.

P.S. Thanks everyone, for your comments. It really is easier to do this knowing that you are supporting me!

getting up

Just a quick blurb to say what I wanted to scream to the rooftops this morning at about 7am....but out of deference to my neighbors, I refrained.

I DID IT!!!!!

struggling...

so. here we are.

this is the point in any new endeavor when i cop out. i get to one small goal, take one small step...and call it good. and i've been okay with that pattern for the better part of 10 years. "really, it's fine. i dont need to go any farther...i went this little bit and that means i can do it, so i can do it anytime i want so...i'll do it later". it's like that oh-so-cliche phrase: "i can quit any time i want", except...reversed. so it's kind of the same. i guess. you know what i mean.

what!? i mean seriously...what?! i wish i were kidding, but that's my way. it's like my trademark. heh heh.

but that has to change. has to. no if's, and's or but's...as my dear dad would say.

and i find myself here once again. my eating habits? great! finished week 1 of C-2-5K? check! and now i'm in that place...ohhhh, yes indeed.

week 2? there's a week 2, you say? with...more running? eat well for another week? whatever for?

yes, these are the battles raging in my brain at this very moment.

today i ate two packages of little debbie swiss rolls. probably not the worst slip up ever, but i forgave myself. didn't even think much of it really. and that folks, is how you spend 10 years being complacent.

no. more. NO. MORE.

i will get this jiggly arse out of bed in the morning. i will put on my running shoes and i will go. out the door, into the blessedly cool morning air (yay, autumn!) where i will push past this point, past the point of complacency, past the edge of my comfort zone.

"You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down." ~ Mary Pickford

here's to getting up!

Goals

I read this quote today, and I thought it appropriate for my little blog here:

"Goals that are not written down are just wishes."
~Author Unknown

It rings true, dontcha think?

Here's the outline of my goals:

Weight:
Ideally, I'd like to lose about 40 pounds before we have another baby. After that, I'd like to get down to about 155. I have no illusions of being 120lbs. I'm not being defeatist when I say it's probably not realistic, just honest. I think my body type/bone structure probably wouldn't support such a low weight. I've been a size 12 at 180 lbs, so I'm thinking somewhere in the size 10 range would be pretty awesome.

That being said, I'm really going to have to work my a** off to get this first 40 lbs off. We don't want to wait too long before trying for #2, so I've got maybe 4 months if all goes as planned (and let's face it...it usually doesn't!)

Activity:
I want to finish my Couch to 5K. I completed Week 1 yesterday. I don't finish much that I start out to do, so finishing it will be a big personal victory.

When I finish it, I want to sign up for my first 5K.

I want to try P90X. I know, I know...that's tough shit right there, but I do want to give it a whirl by the end of the year. Who knows? I might love it.

Measurements:
I'm not sure this one is a great idea...depending on muscle built, and fat lost, there's really no good way to anticipate this one...so we'll just leave it at that.

So there they are...my goals in black and white. And today was a family reunion, so it was my free day.

All in all, though, I did pretty well...not a lot of mindless snacking on hors d'oeuvres, reasonable dessert portions, a small dinner on the way home.

"Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination."
~Fitzhugh Dodson

Who's got a goal, a plan, and two thumbs? This girl.

Here I Go

So, here it is. Out on the interwebs for anyone to see. My long, long weigh down. I had to have someplace to be accountable, and also to keep a record for myself of my progress.

My name is Emily, and I am obese. (Just now, typing that, I cried. I always knew it, but only admitted it to myself)

I am 240 pounds. Yikes. That looks even scarier in print.

I am a size 18.

I am a mom of a toddler. I love her more than words can say, and as much as I need to do this for me, I need to do this for her. I want her to have a mom who has energy, a mom who sets a good example of how to eat, and how to be active.

I am wife to my own personal superman. This is for him, too. He deserves a wife who takes care of herself...and not just a wife who wants to spend a long happy life with him, but one who actually can.

I'm lucky so far. Genes have been in my favor. Good cholesterol, good BP, no type 2 diabetes. But how long do I want to keep pushing my luck and relying on my gene pool to get me through?

So this is it. I think I want to do this more than I ever have. I have resolve and determination I've never had. Maybe it's getting older, maturing into a real adult.

We are still building our family, so there will be stops and starts on the weightloss journey if I have another baby, but taking care of myself while pregnant is still important (and I really didn't do that so well the first time), so I'll document that journey here too.

Welcome! Thanks for taking this journey with me.