What next?

Sigh. I've not been counting my calories. Not that I've been stuffing my face, either. I've been eating 3 meals a day, with a small snack in between, usually nuts or fruit. My breakfast has been oatmeal, lunch a turkey sandwich, and dinner...well, that's usually pasta with protein. Mostly because its fast and easy and I'm usually surrounded by three little children, one of whom clings to my legs as I move around the kitchen. It's too much pasta. 

But the time has come, I believe, to count those calories. I've been working out an hour a day 6 days a week for nearly 3 weeks. And the scale...is not budging. The inches are slowly but surely dropping off, but that scale... I know most people will suggest not using the scale at all, and I totally get why. I'm just not sure I can let it go. 

One of the reasons that number on the scale is so significant is because I do not want to go into my OB's office again anywhere near the weight I was when I began both of my pregnancies. Which is only slightly more than I am now. Max is almost a year old, and we're starting to pray about #3. I can't do another pregnancy this heavy. I just can't. I'm feeling immense pressure (of my own making, of course) to see the number go down. It's also dragging me down to a bad place mentally....a place of discouragement, and "why the hell should I care?" After all, I'm working my ass off and my body's saying, "yeah, so?" 

It's a dangerous place for me. I've come to recognize these emotions as the last ones before I give up. I can't do that this time. I can't fail again. Because honestly I don't know if I'll ever try again. 

Anyway, let's reroute back to the original topic, yes? Max weaned himself and last week was the last time I nursed him. Nursing needs extra calories, so restriction isn't usually a good idea. But I don't have that excuse anymore. So, counting it is, I guess. I HATE counting calories. It's tedious, restrictive, and I'm usually hungry as hell. It doesn't do much to bolster my mood. 

I feel like I've managed to stay pretty cheerful up until now...it's frustrating to arrive at this place mentally. I know I'm on the brink. Anyone have any better ideas? 

Unexpected Blessing

When I set out to do this - really do this - I expected certain things. Inches lost, weight heading downward, sore muscles, having to give up some foods, and sacrificing some downtime...these were all things on my list of the expected.

What I did not expect was how this is changing me as a person, and most specifically as a mother. Before I began daily workouts, I had so many days with my children when I deteriorated into a crazy mommy with no patience who would either just shout at them or go into the bathroom to cry. I could not figure out why I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be. Perhaps I was overtired, sapped of energy from eating terrible foods and getting no exercise. It was horrible to feel so inadequate at something I desperately wanted to do well.

In March, I rearranged my childcare schedule to be just afternoons, so I was able to get out of the house more often. It helped quite a bit, but still I felt like I was losing my cool more often than I should. Lo and behold, when I began working out regularly, I found that my patience increased. My everyday mood has improved, and I have more energy for my kids. Maybe it's the burning off of nervous energy (my anxiety has also improved), or perhaps it's the endorphins. Whatever it is, I have had more patience, and have been experiencing the joy of motherhood more often than the challenges.

It was quite unexpected, but I'll take it. :)

Hope you all have a great weekend and Memorial Day!

Two Weeks of Zumba

Hi all!

There are still days I can't believe I didn't try this sooner. I'm just as crazy about it today as I was after my first class. I Zumba (because it really should be a verb, don't you think?) 4-5 times per week, depending on my schedule. There are as many instructors as classes, and I like that so much. It keeps it fresh!

I have my clear favorite - on Tuesday nights - but I really like all the others as well. They all do it just a little differently.

When I began, I really just wanted to stay in a corner where I couldn't see myself in the mirror, and where I wouldn't be conspicuous to the other people in the class. The last few classes, though, I've found myself moving  up toward the front, less afraid of looking like a fool, and more confident in the moves. I'm still not that coordinated, but the few times I did glance in the mirror, I was relieved to see that my efforts at least resembled the instructor's! :) I can keep up, I just wish I looked a little more nimble and less plodding. But perhaps that will come.

I'm considering getting Zumba for my Wii, since I'd like to do it at home, and we still don't have a functioning DVD player. Anyone have it? Is it worth it?

I surprised myself today. I actually tried adding some of the jumps into the moves, and it didn't hurt my knees at all! In fact, my knees have felt so much better since I started working out regularly. I tried a couple times in the first class I took and I knew right away to stop, but today I didn't feel any pain or twinges. It felt really good to be able to do that. I felt strong. I could really tell that my stamina has improved, too. I'm really looking forward to the changes that are still to come.

I had forgotten how fun it is to jump. ;)

Chocoholics Anonymous

My name is Emily, and I am addicted to chocolate.

Oh friends, this week my mind has been on chocolate. I have actually dreamed about it. Trader Joe's chocolate cake mix stared me down from the store shelf, daring me to pass by without picking it up. While I really don't deny myself anything I love at this point, I do have to control myself. I have to choose moderation, or it's back up the scale I'll go.

I think it all started last Saturday when I babysat two of my favorite kiddos. The younger of the two and I played a new board game: Chocolate-opoly. Yes, really. You don't go to jail, you go to Chocoholics Anonymous. And I went there no less than FIVE times. (It's like it knows me, you guys) I lost, of course (because who can win when they spend half the game in jail/CA?), but I also haven't been able to stop thinking about chocolate ever since. Sigh.

Or, it could be the box of Russell Stover's chocolates my hubby got me for Mother's Day. Which I was partially annoyed about (he knows I'm trying to be good about sweets), but partially glad about (because he got me the small box, good man). Whatever it is, it's chocolate on the brain this week, with no end in sight.

Maybe this is my body's signal that it's time to cut back more, to help with the cravings. After all, when I cut out fast food I stopped craving it all the time. Perhaps if I remove the sweets entirely the cravings will lessen? I dunno. I haven't had a lot of success in the past with restrictive diets, and I fully believe in moderation and not elimination. If I decide not to allow myself something, it's even harder to avoid it. This is a tough one. Thoughts? Suggestions?

On a more positive note, these are my stats. I took my first measurements the day after I started Zumba, which was about 2 weeks ago. Here's the change from last week, and the total to date!

5/16-5/23

Waist:  -.75"  (to date:  -1.75")
Hips:  -.5"    (to date:  -1")
Weight:  +.5 lbs (to date:  -27lbs)

I admit I was a little disheartened by the slight weight gain, but inches are still coming off, so I have to remember that weight is only one part of the equation.

Stats: Success!

A week ago yesterday I got out my trusty measuring tape and braced myself for the worst. And actually, it was not as bad as I feared. It wasn't good...but still. I'll take any good news I can get.

Now before you get too excited (because I know you're just breathless with anticipation, right? ;) ), I'm not going to share the starting measurements for a while. But I will share the changes, because there are! Changes! Woo!

5/9-5/16:

weight:  -1.5 lbs
waist:  -1"
hips:  -1/2"

The first few drops in what I hope will one day be a full bucket of inches and pounds lost. It felt good to see that things are changing. No, I can't tell a difference in my clothes or anything yet, but I know that will come. For now, this is all the encouragement I need. :)

Mind Games

I knew it was too good to be true. Last week I felt invincible, like I could take on the world. This week, willing myself to do the workouts has been tough.  Really tough. I feel like I'm being helped along this week. Little things are reminding me and I'm getting my butt to the gym, but only barely. 

Yesterday, I was seriously considering not going to Zumba. (You see? You see what I mean about that rest day? Gets me every time.) My kids were being total pills, and I was not exactly a shining example of patience either. I happened to call my MIL law about something totally unrelated and she asked me if I was going to Zumba that morning, because she was planning on it. I fudged a bit. Max was still sleeping - even though he had been down almost two hours and I knew I had to get him up anyway - and blah blah blah. This is after I spent about 20 minutes last Friday night sharing with her the wonders of Zumba and telling her exactly when I would be doing it. So, wanting to see if she loved it as much as I did, and knowing I needed to go, we made a mad dash out the door and arrived on time. 

We had a new instructor. Holy hell, she kicked our butts. She was amazing, and I really hope to have her again next week. I felt good, glad that I had come, but still in The Place Of No Willpower. 

Today, again, I thought seriously about skipping my workout. I was late last week because my kiddo got picked up at 6:20, so I figured the same would probably be true today. But by a stroke of good luck, it was 6:00 instead, and I had plenty of time to get there. 

So you see, little reminders. A chance phone call, a kiddo picked up on time...things that went just right so that I didn't fall off this wagon for the bajillionth time. But one of these days I'm going to have to do it myself. I'll have to drag myself out of the darkness of The Place Of No Willpower and win the game all on my own.  

Will it get better? Those of you who have conquered this and reached your goals...do the mind games get easier? Or do I just need to get used to it? Find a way to ignore it? Tomorrow, I'm at it again. 

Workouts: Week One

I've been waging this war a long time. While that's sometimes discouraging, it has also helped me learn a great deal about what does and doesn't work for me. 


When it comes to working out, I know that I probably won't ever be one of those people who can work out 2-3 times a week and stay with it consistently. I have to work out everyday. My vices make it that way. I tend toward laziness and disorganization. If I'm not right on top of those all the time, they take over. I've tried working out every other day, two days on one day off, etc. That "rest day" pulls me right down into my old habits, and halfway through it I already know I won't be going to work out the next day. Additionally, I have to plan my workouts for the week ahead of time. If I haven't already determined what to do (along with a plan B if the hubby works late or something) I won't do it at all. 


I mentioned before the weight loss I had in college. Back then I used The FIRM. I loved that program. I still do, but it's hard to do at home with little ones. I didn't follow the recommendations for the workout schedule. Instead, I did it every day, right from the start. I stuck with it, and it worked. Once I tried to switch to every other day, my routine fell by the wayside and I stopped altogether. 


So I knew I had to jump right in this time, every day; no matter what the workout looked like, it had to get done. I'm proud to say that this past week I did an hour-long workout every day but Sunday. Even though it was Mother's Day, I got a lot done around the house, so I'm hoping that counted for something. I think Sundays will be my challenging day because there aren't any classes at the gym besides yoga. So I'm not really sure what to throw in on that day. Our DVD player won't work, so all my home workouts are impossible. I really don't care much for yoga, and I have issues with my neck that make a lot of the poses really uncomfortable. 


Any thoughts or suggestions to fill up my Sunday? Maybe something a little off the beaten path? 


Next week will look like this: Monday - Zumba; Tuesday - Zumba; Wednesday - Zumba; Thursday - Cycling; Friday - Zumba; Saturday - Cycling. 


Yes, it's a lot of Zumba, but aside from the fact that I LOVE it, the times for that class work best with my schedule. But something different for Sunday would be fun! 


Thanks for reading. I know for some of you this parallels your own journeys. We can do this! Thanks for being motivation for me, too. 


Hope you all have a great week!