I can't remember...

Have you heard that saying, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"?  I was thinking about that this morning while attempting to ignore a craving. It occurred to me that I can't remember what it feels like to be thin.

The last time I was in the neighborhood of an appropriate weight for my height/body type was in college. My junior year I lost 25 pounds through diet and exercise (and I started out at 50 pounds less than I am now). I felt great. I felt energetic, happy and relished a sense of accomplishment. It's been so long since I felt those things about my weight that I literally can no longer remember what it's like.

I can't remember what if feels like to be thin. 
I can't remember how it felt to pull anything out of my drawer or closet and know that it would fit. 
I can't remember looking in a mirror and not having trouble meeting my own gaze or looking away as quickly as possible. 
I can't remember what confidence feels like. 
I can't remember the last time I felt attractive. 

I've been heavy for so long that it's almost become a part of my identity, something about which I grew comfortable and complacent. Not happy with it, but just believing that the hurdle had become too big, too insurmountable, so why bother?

Wow. This is getting depressing, I think. Sorry, you guys. I have a point! I promise!

My point is...not being able to remember these things makes me even more determined to get there. I want to be able to grab something out of my closet and get dressed, knowing what I'm wearing fits and looks good. I want to feel like I've jumped that hurdle and can turn around and scoff at it. <insert appropriately haughty laugh here>  I want to feel like I can run and jump with my kids. I want to feel like I'm attractive to my husband.*

And I never, EVER want to forget again.



*Just to be clear, this is my perception and struggle only. My husband has always assured me that he loves me as I am. :)

"Me Time": Then and Now

Not that long ago, the time I had to myself looked very different. If I could manage it, I would take an hour or two and head to Applebee's. I would order the spicy queso and a mudslide...and finish them both.


Let's let that sink in for a moment... 


I'd eat an appetizer made for two or more people by myself and wash it down with a drink made from ice cream and alcohol. UGH. 


The sad thing is, it still sounds good. I still have to remind myself that my "me time" doesn't look like that anymore; that it can't look like that anymore. I still have to remind myself that even though I really don't "deny" myself anything, that's a place I can't go. It's still too slippery a slope. 


Now, "me time" is when I rush out the door to the gym after dinner, or drop my loves in the gym's daycare one or two mornings a week so I can work out. Part of me resents that; I would rather be doing a thousand other things than using my sparse alone time to sweat it out in the aerobics room. But part of me also knows that if I don't change this, I may not even be around to have it. Hmm. Suddenly that queso and mudslide don't sound so good anymore. 


At the end of Zumba tonight, our instructor played Kelly Clarkson's Stronger. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I really realized that I wasn't just doing this for me. I was doing it for my kids, and for my husband, because they deserve to have a healthy mom, a healthy wife. I'm getting stronger with every workout. I'm changing my future every time I don't drive over to that restaurant. Every step I take to better my health is an investment in my future, and in theirs. 


And it's funny how, just like that, it felt like time well spent.

Zumba

I am not a dancer. It's one of my fondest wishes, but alas. God blessed me with rhythm, but not physical coordination. So you might understand my hesitation at attempting something like Zumba. I was pretty sure I would look like an idiot and not be able to keep up. But I decided that I'm going to try new workouts, so tonight after M was picked up I ran out the door for a 6:30 class.

Aside from my slight nervousness, I was also 10 minutes late and it was packed. I forged a little spot for myself in the corner and jumped in with two feet. Into squats. Fun! I felt the burn right away and for a moment I wasn't sure I could do it for another 40 minutes. But the beautiful thing about Zumba is that it's always changing. Our instructor was upbeat and clearly having the time of her life, and her attitude was infectious. Thge music was awesome. Everyone there - from the women who were clearly regulars, to the newbies like me - was having fun. I couldn't begin to name all the styles of dance we did, but aside from 2 of them I was able to really keep pace with the instructor. About 10 minutes in, I realized 2 things. First, I was sweating like crazy - in the way that you know you're working your tail off - and second, I was smiling. I don't think I have ever smiled during a workout.

I'm going back for the next class. Knowing there's a way to get a great cardio workout and have fun doing it? How could I not go back? If you've never tried Zumba, do it. You'll love it. I did.

A relatively stable level, period, or state

That's right, folks. Say it with me. PLATEAU!

Until I read the actual definition, I had always felt negatively toward the weight loss plateau. But now, I'm not so sure. After all, stability is generally regarded as a good thing! In family life, in a career, in a canoe (or any watercraft, really)...stability is the name of the game. So why the dread when it comes to weight loss? I'm still 245. My weight loss still stands at 26 pounds. I haven't gained any weight. I've maintained my weight. Would it be better if I were maintaining 160 pounds? Well, sure. But these plateaus are bound to happen, so instead of getting frustrated, I can think of it as practice for maintaining my goal weight.

I don't want to stay here, but I'm glad I haven't gone back up. I've dealt with and solved a couple of health issues that were getting in the way of working out. So now, I'm committing to 4 classes at my gym per week. I'm trying to try some I wouldn't have considered before, like Zumba (please, God, don't let me look like a complete fool).

I know I could workout at home, but my kids are still pretty young (and haven't yet learned patience), and no one naps simultaneously anymore. Plus, I like getting out and trying new things. I get bored with workouts really quickly, so being able to change it up a lot is good for me. Hopefully this plateau will end soon and the increased exercise will begin to shave off these pounds, but for now...I'll take stability.

Oh hey, I didn't see you there...

Riiight. It's been a while. But. BUT!!! I have good news!

I am down 26 pounds. TWENTY. SIX.

I think I finally feel okay telling the internet where my weight started. 271. Oh lordy. I'm not even really sure that's where it started, since for a while I couldn't even bring myself to get on the scale. But once I talked myself into it, that's what I saw. Since my previous "highest weight ever" was around 250, seeing that number was...awful.

December was a crapshoot. With the holidays and traveling to South Carolina, it was not easy to check my eating. January proved to be better. Mostly, I decided to completely cut out fast food for a while. Yeah, it was a multiple times per week occurrence. It was hard in the beginning, but after a while the cravings went away, and these days it's harder to eat it (which is rare, anymore) than to not eat it. So, hey! Success.

Since that point, my weight has steadily been coming down a couple pounds per week. I haven't been doing anything really remarkable, but in addition to the elimination of fast food, I've been trying to cook more at home, and really commit to moderation. I haven't denied myself anything per se, but I have gotten used to having a small handful of chips, or a fun size bag of M&M's, instead of giant quantities. And I've found myself craving them less since I'm not overindulging on a regular basis.

It's been so gradual that I really didn't notice the point when I stopped being overly hungry during the day, or craving bad-for-me snacks/desserts. I didn't notice when my stomach was no longer growling a few hours after dinner. It just kind of occurred to me one day that those things were no longer commonplace. It was really nice.

So, 245. It's at this point that I am going to add exercise. Instead of the Couch to 5K, I'm just going to start with the elliptical machine. I don't want a repeat of the patellar tendon injury by doing too much too fast (and while too heavy). But that is one thing I want to try again, and finish.

One step at a time. For now, I'm just relishing being under 250 again.

Let's begin again

Well, hey there! It's been a while, yes? I know you're all already aware, but I had the baby. He's four months old now, which means...time to re-start this journey.

I don't know how much I weigh right now. I know I'm bigger than when Amy was Max's age. I know I'm heavier. But I can't bring myself to get on that scale right now. I just don't want to see the number. I know I'll feel more disappointed, and more disgusted with myself than ever before, and I just...don't want to right now.

Oh, but don't you worry. There's no denial going on over here. No, no. I just got back from the store. The store where I purchased a size I've never before worn, or ever wanted to have to wear. It was...not unexpected, but painful and gut-wrenching just the same. I'm not going to tell you what size...I can't. I'm ashamed, and disappointed in myself. When I've left it behind by a couple sizes then I'll probably share it, but until then...

I tried to live in denial...I tried pretty hard. I told myself wearing maternity jeans at 4 months post-partum was OK. I told myself that having two kids meant it was OK to carry around a little extra weight. Except I had to look myself in the mirror and in my head I would hear that line from the movie "The Santa Clause"...where he holds his belly and says "Does this look like a little weight to you?!"

A little weight on top of a lot of weight is not the same thing as carrying around a few extra baby pounds. The thing is, I didn't really have to try after having Amy. I went down a size from pre-pregnancy within 6 weeks after having her. And I didn't have to try. I guess I assumed it would be the same this time.

But things are different. I'm tied to the house all day because I don't have enough room in my car to run any errands with three kids. I was out and about all the time when Amy was an infant. When the weather was nicer I'd take all three on a walk, which I hoped would make a dent in the weight, but it didn't.

I've come to realize that it's going to take a lot of hard work this time, but it feels even more insurmountable. I just know I've seen the truth, and boy is it a harsh reality.

So, I hope you'll go with me once more, as I try and do this again. I promised myself I wouldn't waste time after Max like I did after Amy. This time I need to value myself and my health so that I'll be around to watch my precious loves grow up.

Paused...

So I guess I should put up a blog about why I haven't been blogging!

We are expecting baby #2. It all started back in October, and so the weight loss journey has been put on hold for the duration of the pregnancy (because no matter how heavy you are, it should never be a purposeful goal to LOSE weight during pregnancy).

That said, I have definitely not been as good as I wanted to be with this baby. With Amy, I ate whatever, and with this one, I wanted to eat well, and it started out that way....but then there are the cravings and having to eat every few hours to stave off nausea, etc. And my healthy intentions have fallen by the wayside. But I was reminded that it's in the "getting back up" when you fall right?

So, hopefully this week or next I'm going to sign up for the spinning (indoor cycling) classes at the gym. Spinning is a highly recommended form of exercise in pregnancy (even to begin spinning, if you haven't been that active) because of the ability to personalize the intensity, the stability of being on a stationary bike, and the cardio benefits. There are guidelines, of course, about your body temperature and heart rate, but all in all it's a safe choice.

They have virtual spinning at our gym, which is right up my alley. There is nothing more boring to me than working out on a stationary machine without anything to occupy my mind. I'm hoping that the darkness in the room and the focal point will help make the duration of the workout do-able.

So that's goal #1.

Goal #2 is to seriously check my eating habits. Not being able to have lunchmeat has been HARD. I feel really at a loss for what to eat at lunchtime (PB&J just doesn't appeal every day). So I either need to get past the gross factor of heating up the lunchmeat to steaming or find a healthy alternative. I can make healthy dinners, it's breakfast and lunch (and the cravings in between) that have me in a bind. I'll be working on that one and get back to ya'll about it when I figure it out.

So that's the scoop. I can be just as accountable during pregnancy. If I want to be. ;) And I need to be.