I don't know how much I weigh right now. I know I'm bigger than when Amy was Max's age. I know I'm heavier. But I can't bring myself to get on that scale right now. I just don't want to see the number. I know I'll feel more disappointed, and more disgusted with myself than ever before, and I just...don't want to right now.
Oh, but don't you worry. There's no denial going on over here. No, no. I just got back from the store. The store where I purchased a size I've never before worn, or ever wanted to have to wear. It was...not unexpected, but painful and gut-wrenching just the same. I'm not going to tell you what size...I can't. I'm ashamed, and disappointed in myself. When I've left it behind by a couple sizes then I'll probably share it, but until then...
I tried to live in denial...I tried pretty hard. I told myself wearing maternity jeans at 4 months post-partum was OK. I told myself that having two kids meant it was OK to carry around a little extra weight. Except I had to look myself in the mirror and in my head I would hear that line from the movie "The Santa Clause"...where he holds his belly and says "Does this look like a little weight to you?!"
A little weight on top of a lot of weight is not the same thing as carrying around a few extra baby pounds. The thing is, I didn't really have to try after having Amy. I went down a size from pre-pregnancy within 6 weeks after having her. And I didn't have to try. I guess I assumed it would be the same this time.
But things are different. I'm tied to the house all day because I don't have enough room in my car to run any errands with three kids. I was out and about all the time when Amy was an infant. When the weather was nicer I'd take all three on a walk, which I hoped would make a dent in the weight, but it didn't.
I've come to realize that it's going to take a lot of hard work this time, but it feels even more insurmountable. I just know I've seen the truth, and boy is it a harsh reality.
So, I hope you'll go with me once more, as I try and do this again. I promised myself I wouldn't waste time after Max like I did after Amy. This time I need to value myself and my health so that I'll be around to watch my precious loves grow up.
Okay, I am trying this again! I am with you girl and this can be done. I read a bunch on Dr. Joel Fuhrman. He is the Fit for Life guy. Remember we did this when you were in high school and everyone ate this way. It was very healthy and the best way to eat foods in combination. I will check it out and start here, and you can continue with me while you are here. Love you!! MOM
ReplyDeleteCan I try to lose weight with you? I'm *finally* at that place where I feel like I can work at losing weight (and need to hurry before I get pregnant again! ;) All of the things you've said, I have gone through. I need to lose weight or buy a new wardrobe, and that's not cool! Anyway, you're not the only mommy who looks at the mirror in disgust. You can do it, just take it one day at a time!
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