AWOL

The thing about patterns is that they tend to repeat. Repeatedly. 

I fell into an old pattern after the victory of last week's weight milestone. I let go. I stopped being strict. I haven't opened the MyFitnessPal app since last Friday. I ate whatever I wanted. Pizza and s'mores on Saturday, Chinese on Sunday, fast food <headdesk> yesterday. Twice. O. M. G. And those are just the highlights. 

This isn't unfamiliar territory. Whenever I start seeing some good progress on the scale, I rejoice and then muck it all up. And at some point during the muck-it-all-up phase (which really should be called the eat-it-all-up phase), I realize I've dug myself into such a deep hole that it's not worth climbing out. And so I choose to stay in the hole, and sometimes even dig it a little deeper, just for good measure. Seriously...I'm not sure how I could even begin to defend such stupidity.

I don't want to stay in the hole this time. I want to climb back out. I don't think I've done any major damage, besides how tired and crappy I feel. 

But mentally I'm in a tough place. I've not come back from this before. I'm kicking myself, and all I want to do is eat to feel better. Have any of you been here? Do you have any words of wisdom? I'm really fighting the discouragement today. I didn't want to write this post. I wanted to pretend I didn't have a blog, or anyone to be accountable to. 

But I'm here, so that's something...right?

Breaking through

It happened. The number started with a 2 and a 3.

239.6 to be exact.

I wish I could adequately express on this blog what it meant to see that number, what it means to leave the 240's. I've not seen this decade on my scale in 5 years. FIVE. That's a really long time.

Every once in a while, my brain reminds me that I still have a looong way to go. But I force those thoughts away because I'm starting to have hope that I can really do this. I mean, I am doing this, but it still hasn't really sunk in. I think I've come to expect myself to fail - as I have so many, many times - and I can't even really convince myself that I can do this all the way, once and for all.

But that's what I have to do. I have to kick this. I have to get healthy. That's why I have this blog...to stay accountable to myself, and to you.

Now it's time for some kickboxing!!

The Summer of 30

It seems this summer's theme is going to revolve around 30. Seriously, it's everywhere! (Disclaimer: I'm not into numerology or anything, no, no no. I just find it a little funny that everything seems to be converging at 30 for the moment!)

To begin with, I'll be turning 30 in August. It will be nice to begin a new decade with a new approach to life! I'm not really dreading this milestone, because with all the progress of this year, it feels like a threshold to something amazing! I hope to make my 30's my healthiest decade yet. :)

Today, my waist measurement dropped into the 30's. Yes, it was in the 40's (shudder), but thanks to Zumba and calorie counting, it's dropped 4 inches in the last 6 weeks. I'm excited to keep seeing those inches dropping off. It's what keeps me going even when the scale stays put for a while. 32 is a number I can't wait to reach. I ended there during my junior year in college (the last time I successfully lost significant weight), and I still remember how good I felt then. Can't wait to see that again.

I'm still not quite in the 230's, but my goal for the next 6 weeks  (by the time my daughter turns 3, on July 30th...see what I mean?) is to get to 230 lbs. That's 11 pounds from now, but I think it's do-able.

And finally, my yearly weight loss total stands at 30! Honestly, I never thought I'd get past 10. I feel great, and am ready to keep going!

Here's to 30!

This time around...

Sometimes, I'm really surprised at how differently I see things this time. I was dreading counting calories, and here I am two weeks into it, and getting more comfortable with it every day.

This time around, I don't really want a "cheat day". I did it the first weekend after I started the calorie counting (which was actually 2 days after I began), and I felt SO awful. I didn't go that crazy, but it was enough to give me an upset stomach and raging heartburn. Still, the second Saturday, I did it again. Same story. Hard headed, much? This weekend, there won't be any cheat day. It'll just be business as usual. Today was a little lax, because it was my hubby's birthday, and who am I to pass up cake? But I had just the one slice, and adjusted my cals earlier in the day to allow for it.

Who am I? I certainly don't recognize myself. But every day that I stick to that calorie goal, every day I work out, leaves me wanting to keep going. It's a very new reality for me, and not something I expected.

This time around, I find myself making choices instead of depriving myself. I'm okay with it when I pick up a much-loved food and decide the taste of it just won't be worth the calories involved. I'm truly seeing it as a decision, which feels really good.

I'm so close to the 230's I can taste it...and it tastes a lot better than chocolate cake, I can tell you that! I can't actually remember the last time the number on the scale started with a 23-. While it makes me sad that it's still that high, getting down out of the 240's is a mini milestone. I really really want to see 230 by my kids' birthdays at the end of July. I'd love to hit my 30th birthday in the 220's (even if it's just 229!).

After my second week of calorie counting, the weight loss stands at 6 pounds. Inches lost are 3 off my waist, and 2.5 off my hips.

Slow and steady wins the race. And I aim to win it, this time around.

Stats Update

Weight loss this week: 4.6 pounds (I know, right?)

Waist total: 2.5"

Hips total: 2"

Waist and hips measurments have been taken since I started Zumba, and my weight loss total (since January - minus 2 months of plateau) is 30.6! 

I can hardly believe it. I feel a lot like this journey has started with baby steps, which was maybe my problem all the other times I tried. I'd jump in and try to make it stick, without really giving myself any time to adjust. 

In some ways it's been frustrating, as progress comes and goes, and when it does happen, it's slow. But I know I'm different. I know I see things differently today than I did 5 months ago, or even 1 month ago. I'm making choices, not "denying" myself. I actually enjoy working out. (Ha! I never even saw that one coming.) I count calories, and it's not driving me crazy. All good, positive changes that will help me keep this up. 

And one other fun bonus...I got an early birthday present from my MIL: shoes for Zumba!

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/814cZPkN9PL._SL1500_.jpg

I was using my running shoes...just a little too much traction. 

So excited!

2.2

That number? Oh, that's the number of pounds that have dropped off in my first week of calorie counting. Seriously! I finally broke through the 245 plateau. I have to say honestly that I'm still a little skeptical. Stepping on the scale makes me really nervous. I'm afraid the progress I'm seeing will be just a fluke, water weight, etc.

But on the other hand it's been so encouraging to see progress this week! This plateau has lasted almost a couple of months, and was starting to feel as though it would stretch out forever. There have definitely been positives, though. No weight gain, increased energy, improved endurance in my workouts, inches disappearing.  And I'm still here. I'm still trying every day, holding myself accountable, exposing my struggles and triumphs.

I'm ready to leave this part of this journey behind. I know there will be another one down the road, maybe several. But for now, 2.2. Hopefully next week will be even better!

The New Normal

I've been at the calorie counting for about 5 days. The first day was such a challenge. According to my FitnessPal app, my calorie goal should be 1510 calories per day. It's shocking how fast those numbers add up. I don't beat myself up if it's a little more...but I always try to keep it under 1800.  After all, according to the official math equation, I have to consume 2931 calories per day to maintain my weight. So...1800 is really just fine. But I have been learning to eat more calorie-lite veggies when I'm hungry or snacking. It saves me more for mealtime, and I don't end up with 100 calories left for dinner!

And that's all before bringing exercise into the equation. Of course, unless you have a monitor, it's hard to know exactly how many calories you're burning in a workout, but there are some decent calculators out there that will give an estimate. I also tend to downplay the intensity of my workout because I'd rather underestimate what I'm burning than overestimate. Zumbacalories.com gives me 736 burned cals for a 50 minute workout. Not bad.

When I've done this before, it's been so frustrating and tedious. All of it. The working out, the calorie counting. I was miserable, and so it didn't last. In the past, there was only one time I made a change that lasted more than a month. I'm coming up on that month now. And even though it doesn't look exactly like I hoped numbers-wise, there is a change in me. I'm settling in. It's becoming a habit, a new normal. I no longer wonder if I'll have what it takes to stick it out...in fact it's stopped feeling like I'm sticking it out altogether. It just feels right.

I didn't work out for almost a week (last week I had some rescheduled lessons and some extra babysitting, and a jam-packed weekend), and while my muscles hurt last night, today I feel fine. I have some energy, I still want to do this. I didn't quit my calorie counting last week. I had my usual cheat day, but scaled back a little. The mental game is getting less challenging, and that's almost a physical relief. Struggling against yourself day in and day out is completely exhausting!

I'm loving this new feeling. It's so worth it.