Oh, hi there

Well, it's not called The Long Weigh Down for nothing! I knew this journey would be filled with stops and starts. It's truly not easy when you stare down the road of a 100+ pound weight loss. It gets discouraging all the time, but I think I've learned to take it easy on myself, finally. 

I put this post off for a while, because I wanted to make sure I was really in this again. It's been a month since I started up again, and there have already been challenges, but also plenty of victories. 

Zumba: Ah, my old and dear friend. Just as good to me as before, and I do this 3-4 times a week. Nothing new to report, just some good old-fashioned cardio. 

Couch to 5K: You might remember I tried this 3 years ago. I injured my patellar tendon, and that was kind of it for my efforts at that time. This time around, I really paid attention to my feet, and found shoes that are right for my high arches and under-pronation. I am currently almost ready to move on to week 3. Just to see what I could do, I tried a 2 minute running segment at the end of my workout today. Lo and behold, I ran 2 and a half minutes before I checked my time. 

To the average runner, this may not seem like much, but for me (a girl who used to struggle after 30 seconds of running), running 2.5 minutes with moderate effort is a huge accomplishment. 

I changed a few things around this time. I am not running on pavement. I decided I should start on the treadmill at the gym. It's easier to control my speed, watch my time, and is more forgiving than pavement. I do this 3 times a week. 

My Fitness Pal: Invaluable! I can't say enough how much I love this app. 

Stats: Over the last 6 months I gained back 10 lbs. Hello, seasonal depression. I was also dealing with raging anxiety. Once I got back on the horse again, though, they both kind of dissipated. By April 18th, I had lost 9 lbs. Then, out of nowhere, 3 came back. I think (guys, avert your eyes), that it was related to where I was in my cycle. Now, a week later, 2 of those 3 pounds are gone again. I'd love to see 10 lbs total loss by the end of April, but am happy with the progress so far. 

Next week, I'll talk about how I've changed my diet. Thanks for hanging on with me. I hope that the longest journeys are the most rewarding. :)

  

The Big 4-0, and looking back.

It's been slow going lately. I haven't exactly been ambitious, but still slower than I would expect. On Friday, I hit 236, which brought my weight loss to 40 pounds since January.

When I really stopped and thought about it, I realized that its quite an accomplishment for me - even though its not as much as I had hoped to lose this year. The most weight I've ever lost was 25 pounds, and here I am at 40! I've been so focused on the slow-moving scale, that I had lost sight of the big picture. I still find myself focusing a lot on how much is left. (It's a lot)

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, which is partly why I haven't been very frequent with my posts. What else is there to say?

I'm a little nervous about winter. I get pretty depressed in the winter, as many people do, and I have a hard time feeling positive about my efforts. I've been looking in the mirror lately, and all I can see anymore is the things that will never look "better". When I lost weight in my early 20's, things "bounced back" so to speak.
Now, I can see the ways 10 years has changed me. I see the battle scars of two babies, and the sagging skin that will inevitably be my permanent reminder of the way I lived in my body for the last 10 years.

I don't think I ever started this journey to look perfect. But I find myself becoming very focused on what will not look ok, even when the weight is gone. That's hard,because its throwing me off my game...I get to a place where I think, "What's the point?"

I know what the point is. It's to be healthy. It's to be there for my kids for many years down the road. It's to be able to run, jump, and be active with them. It's to maybe - one day - run a marathon with my dad, who just ran his first at 57 years old (GO DAD!) Those things will be awesome.

Know what else is awesome? This year, I lost 40 pounds. This year, I changed my future. This year, I was successful! Next year will be even better.

Where I've been...What I've been thinking

Where have I been? On this good old plateau called The Lower 40's. If you've been following me since my first go at this (waaaay back before I got pregnant with my son), you may remember that 240-242 plateau. Well...my body really likes it here, I guess. But today, I saw a number I haven't seen since before I got pregnant with my daughter...a number I haven't seen in over 4 years, maybe even 5 or 6 years.

TWO....


THIRTY (woo!)...


SEVEN!!!!!

Yes, I had that one fantastic day this summer when I hit 239 and some change. But after that I bounced back up to The Lower 40's. 237 feels more concrete, but who knows? I'm excited though, lemme tell ya! I've got a goal set for Christmas time.

215.

(low whistle)

I know. Lofty goal, huh? But really it's like, barely more than 20 pounds in 2 months. Do-able. Hard, but do-able. I can't even remember what it's like to be 215. I'm awfully excited to find out, though. :)

So, beyond this whole breaking-through-the-plateau business, I've been thinking about this whole weight thing. I see and read a lot of articles on weight-acceptance. Mostly it deals with anti-bullying, the way our society views people of size, etc. But in the midst of all of those good reasons and points of view, there is a common thread, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's a lot of talk about not shaming people of size, and that we should be happy, even proud of our weight. And I agree with the first...society shouldn't shame the overweight. We shouldn't all be lumped into one anecdote about why we are overweight, or how we became so. But you know what?

All the talk about being proud of being overweight, and demanding that I think of myself as beautiful and just fine the way I am...makes me feel ashamed for wanting something different. I read those articles and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm breaking some unwritten rules. I don't like being overweight. Not because I feel like people have shamed me for being so. Not because I feel like I'm being judged everywhere I go. Not because I was bullied as a kid (I wasn't), or because I want to be like everyone else. I just don't like it. I don't like being tired all the time, I don't like not being able to show my children how to jump or run or climb a tree. I don't like crying in a dressing room because nothing feels good or looks right. I don't like still looking pregnant over a year after my son was born. I just don't like it. I don't want this life.

Why does that feel wrong? I don't think that's any better than what people are arguing against. Making overweight people feel like they have to stay that way in defiance of society or whatever else isn't any different. It's shaming in a new and different way, and in another sphere, it's also bullying. I never felt bullied for being "chubby" as a kid or as a teenager. But I will say I feel bullied now. I feel like I'm being bullied into staying overweight. How is that progress? How is that acceptance?

Just my thoughts these past weeks. I know this might upset some friends, and please know I'm not passing judgement on you personally. I just don't feel ok with it. It's me, and no one else.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I've been thinking about this entry for some time now. Well, thinking is probably the wrong word. Procrastinating is more accurate.

I want to start by thanking those who asked me where I was, whether I was still on track. I know I didn't respond to you, but I want you to know now it wasn't out of ingratitude, but shame. But I want to thank you now, because your words continued to swirl around in my mind long after I read them. They've kept me in a place where I can't forget, I can't push this aside. And you'll never know how much you kept me on track, even when I was off of it.

So, same old, same old. Small victory, jumping off the wagon to go look for some food, and hiding from it when it's time to get back on. There is some good news. 241.2. When I got on the scale this morning (I've been avoiding that too), I was fully expecting the 250's to be staring back at me. I weighed myself several times, just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. 241.2. Not too terrible. Much better than I'd anticipated. But my birthday has come and gone, and the 220's are still far, far away.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This is much more a mental game than a physical one. I've been here for a long time, and as much as I want to be in a different place, there's a comfort to this place that's hard to leave behind. You'd think it'd be the opposite, right? The high of success, the energy of healthy eating, the euphoria of pounds and inches melting away...how could I possibly want to stay here? Unless you've done this, its impossible to understand. I know some of you have, and I wouldn't be surprised if you totally get what I'm saying here.

Habits have been a struggle for me my whole life. My habits (thumb-sucking, nail biting, eating, etc) have all been soothing mechanisms, or a way to release tension and stress. No, I don't suck my thumb now, but I did for many years beyond when it would be appropriate or expected. I still bite my nails when I'm nervous, and I still eat when I'm emotional. Trying not to do those things makes me think about it constantly.

I still feel like I can't adequately put words to the mental struggle. It's a constant state of awareness, every moment, every pang of hunger a choice. And when you make the wrong choice, the self-berating disappointment.

Yeesh, this is so depressing. I'm not really feeling depressed, just frustrated at my lack of willpower. Tired of settling for "good enough". I have 80 more pounds to lose. A staggering number. And even though I'm not, I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

AWOL

The thing about patterns is that they tend to repeat. Repeatedly. 

I fell into an old pattern after the victory of last week's weight milestone. I let go. I stopped being strict. I haven't opened the MyFitnessPal app since last Friday. I ate whatever I wanted. Pizza and s'mores on Saturday, Chinese on Sunday, fast food <headdesk> yesterday. Twice. O. M. G. And those are just the highlights. 

This isn't unfamiliar territory. Whenever I start seeing some good progress on the scale, I rejoice and then muck it all up. And at some point during the muck-it-all-up phase (which really should be called the eat-it-all-up phase), I realize I've dug myself into such a deep hole that it's not worth climbing out. And so I choose to stay in the hole, and sometimes even dig it a little deeper, just for good measure. Seriously...I'm not sure how I could even begin to defend such stupidity.

I don't want to stay in the hole this time. I want to climb back out. I don't think I've done any major damage, besides how tired and crappy I feel. 

But mentally I'm in a tough place. I've not come back from this before. I'm kicking myself, and all I want to do is eat to feel better. Have any of you been here? Do you have any words of wisdom? I'm really fighting the discouragement today. I didn't want to write this post. I wanted to pretend I didn't have a blog, or anyone to be accountable to. 

But I'm here, so that's something...right?

Breaking through

It happened. The number started with a 2 and a 3.

239.6 to be exact.

I wish I could adequately express on this blog what it meant to see that number, what it means to leave the 240's. I've not seen this decade on my scale in 5 years. FIVE. That's a really long time.

Every once in a while, my brain reminds me that I still have a looong way to go. But I force those thoughts away because I'm starting to have hope that I can really do this. I mean, I am doing this, but it still hasn't really sunk in. I think I've come to expect myself to fail - as I have so many, many times - and I can't even really convince myself that I can do this all the way, once and for all.

But that's what I have to do. I have to kick this. I have to get healthy. That's why I have this blog...to stay accountable to myself, and to you.

Now it's time for some kickboxing!!

The Summer of 30

It seems this summer's theme is going to revolve around 30. Seriously, it's everywhere! (Disclaimer: I'm not into numerology or anything, no, no no. I just find it a little funny that everything seems to be converging at 30 for the moment!)

To begin with, I'll be turning 30 in August. It will be nice to begin a new decade with a new approach to life! I'm not really dreading this milestone, because with all the progress of this year, it feels like a threshold to something amazing! I hope to make my 30's my healthiest decade yet. :)

Today, my waist measurement dropped into the 30's. Yes, it was in the 40's (shudder), but thanks to Zumba and calorie counting, it's dropped 4 inches in the last 6 weeks. I'm excited to keep seeing those inches dropping off. It's what keeps me going even when the scale stays put for a while. 32 is a number I can't wait to reach. I ended there during my junior year in college (the last time I successfully lost significant weight), and I still remember how good I felt then. Can't wait to see that again.

I'm still not quite in the 230's, but my goal for the next 6 weeks  (by the time my daughter turns 3, on July 30th...see what I mean?) is to get to 230 lbs. That's 11 pounds from now, but I think it's do-able.

And finally, my yearly weight loss total stands at 30! Honestly, I never thought I'd get past 10. I feel great, and am ready to keep going!

Here's to 30!