I don't know how much I weigh right now. I know I'm bigger than when Amy was Max's age. I know I'm heavier. But I can't bring myself to get on that scale right now. I just don't want to see the number. I know I'll feel more disappointed, and more disgusted with myself than ever before, and I just...don't want to right now.
Oh, but don't you worry. There's no denial going on over here. No, no. I just got back from the store. The store where I purchased a size I've never before worn, or ever wanted to have to wear. It was...not unexpected, but painful and gut-wrenching just the same. I'm not going to tell you what size...I can't. I'm ashamed, and disappointed in myself. When I've left it behind by a couple sizes then I'll probably share it, but until then...
I tried to live in denial...I tried pretty hard. I told myself wearing maternity jeans at 4 months post-partum was OK. I told myself that having two kids meant it was OK to carry around a little extra weight. Except I had to look myself in the mirror and in my head I would hear that line from the movie "The Santa Clause"...where he holds his belly and says "Does this look like a little weight to you?!"
A little weight on top of a lot of weight is not the same thing as carrying around a few extra baby pounds. The thing is, I didn't really have to try after having Amy. I went down a size from pre-pregnancy within 6 weeks after having her. And I didn't have to try. I guess I assumed it would be the same this time.
But things are different. I'm tied to the house all day because I don't have enough room in my car to run any errands with three kids. I was out and about all the time when Amy was an infant. When the weather was nicer I'd take all three on a walk, which I hoped would make a dent in the weight, but it didn't.
I've come to realize that it's going to take a lot of hard work this time, but it feels even more insurmountable. I just know I've seen the truth, and boy is it a harsh reality.
So, I hope you'll go with me once more, as I try and do this again. I promised myself I wouldn't waste time after Max like I did after Amy. This time I need to value myself and my health so that I'll be around to watch my precious loves grow up.
