Let's begin again

Well, hey there! It's been a while, yes? I know you're all already aware, but I had the baby. He's four months old now, which means...time to re-start this journey.

I don't know how much I weigh right now. I know I'm bigger than when Amy was Max's age. I know I'm heavier. But I can't bring myself to get on that scale right now. I just don't want to see the number. I know I'll feel more disappointed, and more disgusted with myself than ever before, and I just...don't want to right now.

Oh, but don't you worry. There's no denial going on over here. No, no. I just got back from the store. The store where I purchased a size I've never before worn, or ever wanted to have to wear. It was...not unexpected, but painful and gut-wrenching just the same. I'm not going to tell you what size...I can't. I'm ashamed, and disappointed in myself. When I've left it behind by a couple sizes then I'll probably share it, but until then...

I tried to live in denial...I tried pretty hard. I told myself wearing maternity jeans at 4 months post-partum was OK. I told myself that having two kids meant it was OK to carry around a little extra weight. Except I had to look myself in the mirror and in my head I would hear that line from the movie "The Santa Clause"...where he holds his belly and says "Does this look like a little weight to you?!"

A little weight on top of a lot of weight is not the same thing as carrying around a few extra baby pounds. The thing is, I didn't really have to try after having Amy. I went down a size from pre-pregnancy within 6 weeks after having her. And I didn't have to try. I guess I assumed it would be the same this time.

But things are different. I'm tied to the house all day because I don't have enough room in my car to run any errands with three kids. I was out and about all the time when Amy was an infant. When the weather was nicer I'd take all three on a walk, which I hoped would make a dent in the weight, but it didn't.

I've come to realize that it's going to take a lot of hard work this time, but it feels even more insurmountable. I just know I've seen the truth, and boy is it a harsh reality.

So, I hope you'll go with me once more, as I try and do this again. I promised myself I wouldn't waste time after Max like I did after Amy. This time I need to value myself and my health so that I'll be around to watch my precious loves grow up.

Paused...

So I guess I should put up a blog about why I haven't been blogging!

We are expecting baby #2. It all started back in October, and so the weight loss journey has been put on hold for the duration of the pregnancy (because no matter how heavy you are, it should never be a purposeful goal to LOSE weight during pregnancy).

That said, I have definitely not been as good as I wanted to be with this baby. With Amy, I ate whatever, and with this one, I wanted to eat well, and it started out that way....but then there are the cravings and having to eat every few hours to stave off nausea, etc. And my healthy intentions have fallen by the wayside. But I was reminded that it's in the "getting back up" when you fall right?

So, hopefully this week or next I'm going to sign up for the spinning (indoor cycling) classes at the gym. Spinning is a highly recommended form of exercise in pregnancy (even to begin spinning, if you haven't been that active) because of the ability to personalize the intensity, the stability of being on a stationary bike, and the cardio benefits. There are guidelines, of course, about your body temperature and heart rate, but all in all it's a safe choice.

They have virtual spinning at our gym, which is right up my alley. There is nothing more boring to me than working out on a stationary machine without anything to occupy my mind. I'm hoping that the darkness in the room and the focal point will help make the duration of the workout do-able.

So that's goal #1.

Goal #2 is to seriously check my eating habits. Not being able to have lunchmeat has been HARD. I feel really at a loss for what to eat at lunchtime (PB&J just doesn't appeal every day). So I either need to get past the gross factor of heating up the lunchmeat to steaming or find a healthy alternative. I can make healthy dinners, it's breakfast and lunch (and the cravings in between) that have me in a bind. I'll be working on that one and get back to ya'll about it when I figure it out.

So that's the scoop. I can be just as accountable during pregnancy. If I want to be. ;) And I need to be.